Steve and the Tank! - Jello Wrestling, Ariana Huffington, The Departed, The Mets, Staten Island Half Marathon, and the New York Times Great Read in the Park (The Tank's Six Degrees of Separation)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Jello Wrestling, Ariana Huffington, The Departed, The Mets, Staten Island Half Marathon, and the New York Times Great Read in the Park (The Tank's Six Degrees of Separation)

The items in the subject may not appear to be related but they do in The Tank's Six Degrees of Separation. While preparing for the Staten Island Half Marathon, the Tank relaxed and read an article about fellow blogger albeit political (1) Arianna Huffington in "New York Press". In that same issue of NYP, there was an ad for the jello wrestling. Being the investigative journalist that I am, I flagged the ad and put it on my To Do List.

But, first, Sunday started early as the Tank braved the winds of the (2) Staten Island Half Marathon wearing a ski mask. At Mile 8, Fred's Team Coach Jeff Rochford ran up and asked me "Do you think we're in Antarctica?". It was good catching up for a few minutes as we were running along. My hamstring was tight but I thankfully finished, touch wood.

Most importantly, a big mega thanks to everyone for helping me reach my NYC Marathon fundraising goal for cancer research at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. If you wish to donate, please click on the following link -- many thanks in advance.

Next stop, the ferry ride back to the gym in the City for a much needed shower.

Though I was late for Church services, I stopped by coffee hour and said hi to some friends. God forgive me but if I was as fast as the Kenyans, I would have made it but didn't.

(3) Next stop, the New York Times Great Read in the Park. In Bryant Park, I sought out maverick real estate author Frank McKinney to congratulate him in person for finishing the Badwater 135, the toughest running race in the world. Unfortunately, his autograph session finished and he was off to another event in Florida. Darn it!

(4) There is a great deal of buzz around "The Departed" and the Tank had to see it. Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, and Alec Baldwin gave great performances. Vera Farmgia can be my psychiatrist any day of the week; I have lots of issues and will require years if not decades of therapy. "The Departed just joined "Talladega Nights" as a Tank Movie of the Year (TMY) nominee. I won't ruin the plot as this entry is long enough -- just see the movie, you'll love it.

In the best traditions another Will Ferrell classic "Old School", the Tank finds (5) jello wrestling in the City live from Arlene's Grocery on 95 Stanton Street in Manhattan's Lower East Side. The Amateur Female Jello Wrestling advertisment declares "Join Our Feminist Fight Club!" Is this the new stage of feminism? What do feminist leaders like Gloria Steinem and Camille Paglia think of jello wrestling? These are questions for another day.  The most important question of the moment is if Foxy Red will be able to reclaim her Amateur Female Jello Wrestling crown after taking some time off.

As there were many female wrestlers, I'll use lots of names in the running commentary. I have been known by several nicknames, characters, and personalities but the Headmaster and his crew take the whole backery. The Headmaster of Our Lady of Perpetual Charity Academy is also known the Death Star Repairman. In wrestling speak, he is great on the microphone. His main site is DoomMaidens.com featuring Female Action Heroes and Wrestlers. The Headmaster's girlfriend is Jolie Voltaire (AKA the Gladiatrix) who was unfortunately nursing a back injury from a film shoot and couldn't wrestle. The Dread Pirate Arabella is also known as Jenny Rancid as well as other characters. The Virgin Scary is as known as Kim Fu Yu.

Please find the following list of matches soon to be broadcast live on HDNet Channel on Time Warner Cable. Without further ado, let's get ready to rumble!

I think Foxy Red beat Little Red in the first match. I worked my way to ringside after the first few matches as it was crowded.

The mustached Butch Cleavage defeated by the Italian Princess of Power.

Pythagoras defeats the Dread Pirate Arabella.

Pusilalai defeated by the Falcon.

Managed by the Headmaster who talks like "Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart and Leaping Lanny Poffo and looks like "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBaise, the Virgin Scary calls the Dread Pirate Arabella a "lesbian". The Dread Pirate Arabella defeats the Virgin Scary.  After her loss, the Headmaster spanks the Virgin Scary three times with a ruler.

Stella defeats the newbie Jungle Kitten. "Not a good night for the cats" as Nick or the other play-by-play commentator stated.

Delta Delta Delta Debbie defeats Butch Cleavage. Delta Delta Delta Debbie thanks all her sorority sisters except the one who stole her boyfriend.

The Italian Princess of Power beats the Falcon to take her second match.

Cat Fight: Pusilai versus the Jungle Kitten. Jungle Kitten wins by a pin fall to even her record at one match each.

After a brief intermission, the lady wrestlers are back. During the intermission, the Tank went to the bodega next door to check on the (6) Mets score as well received updates from Steve and checked on my Crackberry. The Mets win 12-5 to tie the NLCS at two games each. Let's Go Mets!

Little Red is pulling Charity's hair. Back and forth we go. Hip tosses, small package (legit wrestling move), jello throwing, reverses, and even breast grabbing ("titty twisters" by Little Red according to Charity.)

Pythagoras, newly minted member of the Our Lady of Perpetual Charity Academy wrestlers managed by the Headmaster, wrestles against Cherry Bomb. Cherry Bomb wants a kiss from her opponent. Pythagoras gives out a great math (Pi, Cosine, etc.) sign cheer before the match. Cherry Bomb wins.

Foxy Red versus the Italian Princess of Power.

Dana Sterling, the founder and referee of the Amateur Female Jello Wrestling, asks the Tank for the time of day (night) literally to keep track of the matches. "I am not only a reporter, I am a time keeper."

Foxy Red wins by pin fall.

After spanks to Butch Cleavage (who likes it), Delta Delta Delta Debbie pulls off Butch Cleavage's mustache and then pins her.

The Tank and Jungle Kitten high five before the match against Dana. The Jungle Kitten wins and they kiss after the match.

Cherry Bomb rolls into the ring and takes down Virgin Scary. Virgin Scary taps out and they make out in ring. Cherry Bomb and the Tank high five after the match.

Delta Delta Delta Debbie versus Foxy Red. This quickly becomes a WWE style bra and panties match. Delta Delta Delta Debbie's shirt comes off, then Foxy Red's skirt. After several reversals, Foxy Red pins Delta Delta Delta Debbie.

The Pirate Arabella versus Jungle Kitten in the mystery round. A female fan cheers for some "pirate booty". I can't make this stuff up. The Pirate has a wardrobe malfunction with an exposed breast. She recovers to pin the Jungle Kitten. In the post-match commentary, the Pirate challenges all comers.

Moldover.com does a great job of deejaying the event.

While Foxy Red pins Cherry Bomb while the Jakons play on.  The Jakons' next show is at Baldwin 69 next Saturday, October 21.

In the championship finale, the Dread Pirate Arabella against Foxy Red.  Foxy Red attempts a form of the huaracana but slips. The Jakons bassist jams next to the ring while the rest of the band plays on the stage. Dread Pirate Arabella tries an arm bar and then a clothesline. Dread Pirate pins Foxy Red and a new champion is crowned just real wrestling on TV. The Tank informs Foxy Red of same. The band Jakons crank a great finale.

In the post-match celebration, someone discovers that Dread Pirate Arabella is unfortunately black and blue under one eye but thankfully okay.

The next Amateur Female Jello Wrestling events are 8 p.m. on Sunday, November 12 at Arlene's Grocery and Sunday, December 10, at Arlene's Grocery.

Posted by the Tank live from ringside at Arlene's Grocery in NY.

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Monday, October 16, 2006 3:38:08 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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