Steve and the Tank! - Nor'easter and Tax Day Jello Wrestling

Sunday, April 22, 2007

If it is the second Sunday of the month, then it must be time for the world's premier sports SATIRE, Amateur Female Jello Wrestling. Amateur Female Jello Wrestling is not your father's wrestling nor your mother's feminism. It has to be seen live to be believed.

For our non-American readers, today is a day that all Americans dread, Tax Day. The Northeast also pounded New York with eight inches or 20 centimeters of rain.

It's great to see familiar faces like Skella Bella, Tiana, Dana Sterling, and Annie Rock.

Before the matches started, a journalist named Maria interviewed me. Maria asked me about the typical SteveAndTheTank.com reader. I really couldn't answer her because I am grateful that we have readers all over the world. For instance, when Steve speaks at IT conferences around the world in diverse places like Egypt, Pakistan, and other far away lands are exposed to something that they normally would not in their home countries. I think Amateur Female Jello Wrestling and Steve and the Tank play a small but important role in "democratization" if you will of those closed socities.

DJ Kowabunga and Schweron (pictured below) warmed up the crowd. Good job on "Swamp Thing".

After their brief set, the Tank peeked at the TVs above the bar to catch the NBA scores. The NJ Nets beat the Indiana Pacers 111-107. The Knicks lost to Toronto 107-105.

Hoola Hoop Contest: Since the Tank won musical chairs at last month's Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister, Dana asked me to approach the stage. The Tank did not win the hoola hoop contest. Dana advised me to practice more but I replied that I am too busy blogging. :-)

Without further ado, "let's get ready to jello wrestle!!!!!!!!"

Veronica Vicious is your ring announcer. Tiana is doing double duty as co-announcer and your referee, AKA the Goddess of Plunder. She sounds like the IRS.

(1) The Mad Mistress versus the Dangerous Divorcee:

Not only is pride on the line but the future of the Mad Mistress' fiance, Jimmy. The winner gets Jimmy, only possible in Amateur Female Jello Wrestling.

The ladies arm lock around the shoulders. Divorcee arm bars Mistress. Mistress counters by spanking and then flipping the Divorcee. Both ladies body slam one another. Amazing!

True to her word, the Divorcee takes the Mistress down.

Back and forth they go with side body locks and spanks.

The Dangerous Divorcee slams and pins the Mad Mistress as promised. Therefore, the Mad Mistress is no longer engaged to Jimmy as he is going home with the Dangerous Divorcee.

(2) Spring Fling versus Martha Do-It:

These are two real roommates who are going to settle differences like whose hair is in the drain and singing John Denver tunes in the shower. This isn't Dr. Phil or the People's Court, it's Amateur Female Jello Wrestling. Let's settle it in the ring ladies.

Who will win this epic battle?

"Poison!" blares over the spears as quick body slams and hair pulls. There is jello flying everywhere including some hitting the Tank. What the Tank doesn't do for our loyal readers.

In a first for the Tank, the Martha Do-It has a bloody nose. She tries to continue the match but it is called.

(3) Skella Bella versus Boom-Boom:

"I have stared into the face of eternity and my opponent wasn't there," Stella Bella bellowed as she was asked for her pre-match comments.

Both wrestlers literally dance around but get to the matter at hand. Stella executes leg take downs. Boom Boom reverses. The jello is hitting the fan and each other. Stella spanks Boom Boom.

After a side take down, Stella dives through Boom Boom's legs. Boom Boom counters and rolls out. Side head lock.

Stella flips Boom Boom and gets the pin.

"You just wait until next lifetime," Boom Boom says in her post match interview.

Photo of SB and BB at ring side.

(4) Goddess of Plunder versus Bushwhacking Bunny:

Plunder is looking forward to "rabbit jello soup."

Both wrestlers go from a quick hug into a take down. Plunder tries for a side lock and the Bunny puts her ears on.

Plunder slams Bunny. Bunny counters and flips Plunder. Both wrestlers somehow find their way to their feet.

Plunder pulls Bunny down and pins her. Plunder wins.

(5) The Dangerous Divorcee versus Spring Fling:

Spring Fling brings quite a crew. The weather might be a nor'easter outside but Spring Fling is in full summer bloom. She brags about her nose bleed in her pre-match interview.

The Divorcee and Fling lock up and around the ring. Fling is down and Divorcee body slam her. Fling goes for the hair pull.

"I love you Jimmy!" the Divorcee shouts. She is dangerous indeed.

Fling takes advantage of the Divorcee's love proclamation and back slams her.

Divorcee somehow gets up, they lock up, and then slip down. Divorcee is flipped by Fling. Fling counters by body slamming the Divorcee.

Fling goes for the pin and keeps the Divorcee down for a three count before should can get out of it.

"Jimmy should be scared," Fling quips. Is Jimmy mere male chattel who is traded between women on rough and tumble action in and out of the ring? I am afraid so.


(6) Red Alert (formerly Martha Do-It because of the bloody nose) versus the Mad Mistress:

They lockup. Red Alert slams the Mistress and pulls her hair.

Both wrestlers try to stand.

Red Alert slams the Mistress down.

The Mistress counters with a body slam.

Red Alert somehow recovers and side slams the Mistress from her knees and gets the quick pin.

(7) Skella Bella versus the Bunny:

Bunny falls in morbid fear of Skella. She kicks out of a quick pin.

Both wrestlers roll around to no advantage.

Skella slams Bunny into mat.

Bunny jumps in between Skella's legs. Skella tries the leg pin. The Bunny reverses and body slams Skella.

Skella does a reverse German suplex and pins the Bunny with her behind. Take that Chris "The Wolverine" Benoit.

"Where are my ears?" the Bunny cries.

"Death has buns of steel," Skella Bella bellows.


(8) Boom Boom versus the Goddess of Plunder:

Boom Boom dances around the ring as Fugitive Kind takes the stage for the last match before the championship round.

Down on the mat they go.

Brief camel clutch which the Iron Sheik would be proud of. (Speaking of the Iron Sheik, I almost ran into him near the Reggae Room in the basement of Webster Hall about a decade ago.)

Slide around.

Plunder dives between Boom Boom's legs and then side slams her. Both wrestlers get to their feet. Boom Boom falls down, gets up, slams Plunder down, and gets the pin.

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Upcoming Events:

The Tank did not know that his Iron Sheik reference at Webster Hall almost a decade ago is coming full circle as the next Amateur Female Jello Wrestling is at Webster Hall. Freakin' awesome! Webster Hall is one of my favorite clubs.

After you spend Mother's Day with your Mom, come on out to Amateur Female Jello Wrestling on Sunday, May 13. But wait, there more, May 13 is also the Tank's birthday.

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While the Tank refills on his orange juice and cranberry at the bar, Dodgers lead the Padres 5-1 in the third inning.

Hank Aaron in the booth with fellow Hall of Famer Joe Morgan and Jon Miller on the ESPN telecast.

All Dodgers are wearing #42 in honor of the late, great Jackie Robinson.

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Championship Round:

(9) The Dangerous Divorcee versus Skella Bella:

"I can see that you are already in mourning," Skella declares and then side rolls into the ring.

They lock up. Skella side slams the Divorcee.

The Divorcee falls down in between Skella's legs but quickly recover to side slam Skella. Skella somehow dives in between the Divorcee's legs and then side flips her. Skella's offensive continue with an incredible back throw. The Divorcee makes an incredible comeback to side slams Skella.

Skella counters with and arm bar and side flip. She executes a flip and pins the Divorcee. Incredible! This type of incredible competition can only be found in the championship round of Amateur Female Jello Wrestling.

"There is no stopping my morbid advance," Skella emphatically declares.

(10) Red Alert versus Bush Whacking Bunny:

They lock up at the shoulders and quickly size each other up. The Bunny throws Red Alert. The Bunny bodyslams Red Alert. The Bunny then celebrates with a dance while Salt and Pepper's "Smush it".

Red Alert side flips the Bunny which causes an impending wardrobe malfunction. The Bunny repairs the damage. The ungrateful Red Alert steals the Bunny's tail.

The Bunny counters and pulls Red Alert's legs. Red Alert recovers quickly and then slip to the mat.

Red Alert "smushes" the Bunny and makes some stew. "I feel proud that I was able to make a meal," Red Alert deliciously says.

(11) The Mad Mistress versus the the Goddess of Plunder:

The Mistress rolls into the ring and both wrestlers hop around the ring. The Mistress takes an early advantage.

Plunder tries to hook Mistress' leg but Mistress slips out. Both wrestlers wrestle to close to the Tank's ringside location.

The Mistress bodyslams Plunder. Plunder somehow rolls out and side flips the Mistress. Mistress counters with a clothesline.

Both wrestlers roll around in a an embarce. The Mistress rolls Plunder into a small package for the win.

"In my fight for Jimmy, it's worth it!" the Mistress exclaims. Jimmy replies that "I am the luckiest guy of all."

(12) Spring Fling versus Boom Boom:

The wrestlers dance around and the jello starts flying.

Fling throws down Boom Boom. Boom Boom gets on top of Fling. Fling counters with bodyslams. Boom Boom counters with a hair pull.

Fling jumps out of the way of Boom Boom's body slam attempt.

Opposing fans cheer "Kaboom!" for Boom Boom and "Spring" for Spring Fling.

Fling pulls Boom Boom's hair.

Boom Boom goes for the pin. Fling flips Boom Boom from her knees. Fling falls. Boom Boom bodyslams and poses for the cameras. Her hubris costs her the match as Fling gets the far ring pin.

(13) Skella Bella versus Red Alert:

"You shall bleed," Skella declares.

Dana invites Matt and his Mom to the next Amateur Female Jello Wrestling on Mother's Day at Webster Hall.

Skella drops to a knee and side throws Red Alert. Red Alert counters. Skella side flips Red Alert. Both wrestlers roll around. Skella goes for the hair pull.

Skella leverages herself and dives in between Red Alert's legs.

The Dangerous Divorcee gives the edge to Skella during her intra-match commentary. Shortly thereafter, Skella gets the pin.

"May you rest ease though I will not forgive the fracture of my nose," Skella warns.

(14) Spring Fling versus The Mad Mistress:

Fling takes the early advantage by slamming the Mistress. "Do it for Jimmy!" someone shouts from the crowd.

The Mistress tries to rally as the Hulkster did years ago but Fling gets the quick pin.

Championship Round:
(15) Skella Bella versus Spring Fling:

The Shapes will perform during the final match.

"I wish you to know that winter will always come," Skella scowls before she does her patented flip into the ring.

Dana asks the Tank who he will win and I give the edge to the Skella with the experience. Who will win the newcomer or veteran?

Skella rolls out Fling. Fling tries pull to pull Skella's closely trimmed hair.

Back and forth they go.

Skella kicks Fling off of her, grabs her with an arm lock and then side throws Fling.

Skella falls to her stomach. Fling rolls her over and pins her pictured below.