The Tank is back to report on the world's premier sports satire,
Amateur Female Jello Wrestling (AFJW) live from Arlene's Grocery on the Lower East Side. Tonight is a little emotional as it is the last time at Arlene's. The February 11th show will be at Don Hills which is a great club but Arlene's is a very special place with some extra special personal memories.
In addition to the emotion, the Tank is battling a killer headache after going out Saturday night for Julian/Old Calendar New Year's as there as 13 days difference between the Calendars. The Tank's New Year Eve's started Saturday night at Jim Breuer's Comedy Steel concert, then the Zlatne Uste (Golden Lips) Balkan Brass Band festival, and ended up at a Queens restaurant. He is feeling groggy not because of alcohol (only a glass of white wine) but he is allergic to the cigarette smoke from most of the guests who were smoking more than chimneys. Anyway, as Medford Bob says, I made lemons out of lemonade and had a good time so I am not going to rat the restaurant out to Mayor Bloomberg and the Cigarette Smoking Police. Speaking of Medford Bob, where is here? I returned his Saturday voice mail with a text message on Saturday evening.
Back to the show, jello wrestling has been growing by leaps and bounds thanks to great readers like you and the article by journalist colleague, Ms. Michelle Nichols,
recent Reuters article.
Before the show begins, the Tank helps pour the 50 gallons of vegan jello. I am not only a journalist/blogger/historian, but I also pull my weight to help the show be a success. Don't let the looks deceive you, jello wrestling is fun but there is hard work involved. Before the show begins, the Tank and Captain Zorikh exchanges respectful martial arts bows as Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Founder, the fearless Dana Sterling, gives the pre-match briefing.
It's also great to see the Italian Princess of Power. Her Majesty wanted to dispel her beer drinking notion in the December post and pledges her allegiance to wine. Her motto is "Vino Vedi Vinci" (Italian to English Translation: "I saw, I drank wine, I conquered.") Bellisima!
As for the new faces, The Tank is honored to meet Jessica whose boyfriend Matt writes for
KissingSuzyKolber. Jessica will appear later in the promo for Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister.
The Tank settles into his ringside position to report action along side his French Television 1 (or "Television Francaise Une" for fans of "Talladega Nights" Jean Girard, AKA Borat, AKA Sacha Baron Cohen, etc.). The Tank introduces himself in French to Pascal, the French Television cameraman, and his wife, Martine. "Bonjour, Je m'appelle le Tank. J'ai e'tude Francais par quartre ans en l'ecole secondaire. Aussi, mon pere a habite a Paris par quatre ans." (French to English Translation: "Hello, My name is the Tank. I studied French for four years in high. My Dad also lived in Paris for four years.) . Pascal: "De vous connaitre." (French to English Translation: "Pleased to meet you.")
The doors open and Arlene's fills up quickly as there lots of new faces in the crowd. Why can't the United Nations be as harmonious as jello wrestling? Instead of Don Hills, we should take the show to Turtle Bay. I hope "The Dude" is in the crowd so we can make progress in Middle Eastern - United States negotiations, AKA another example of "
Tankplomacy". Where is PermaGuest Outlaw Jack to introduce me Kai, the Self-Proclaimed "German Porn King"?
Allen and Chris are the witty and erudite announcers.
El Jezel starts the show. They want to be known as the "The Sexually Promiscous El Jezel". As long as the lead singer wears a Smith's shirt and keeps playing great music, Morrissey, Steve, and the Tank are proud of you and you can call yourselves whatever you want.
My cousin calls me and reports the Chargers lost 24-21. You've got to be kidding me. First the Bears and now the Patriots. The Chargers were leading 21-13 when the Tank got to Arlene's about 30 minutes ago. Damn you Rex Grossman! You are definitely getting
my hair restoration bill. I don't know if I should sue the Chargers or Patriots in a "Tank" action lawsuit.
The band played on as the crowd starts to drink heavily as the next day is a holiday. Happy Martin Luther King Day everyone!
In the spirit of equal time, the Tank, Steve (no relation), Patrick, Josh, and Chris are called to the stage to participate in the male hoola hoop contest. The Tank doesn't fare too well in the hoola hoop contest and tells everyone that he'll stick to blogging. Josh hacky sacks the hoola hoop to first place ahead of the Tank, Steve (no relation), and Patrick. However, Chris upsets him and is the Amateur Male Hoola Hoop Champion.
Jessica and Matt perform "Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister" theme and
their footage is here.
Good News: The camera shot was closer and steadier than when I ran down the stairs from my seat at the Garden at the
now infamous Knicks-Nuggets Fight on December 16, 2006.
Bad News: My memory card filled up and the battery died at the same time. Sorry, Jessica and Matt. Anyway, it's a catchy tune that you will never ever get out of your head. Moreover, you can watch Jessica, Matt, the Tank, and the rest of Team Jello light up the dance floor at Arlene's next Sunday, January 21. Do capezios come in the Tank's size?
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to jello wrestle!
(1) Veteran jello wrestler Italian Princess of Power brings hot pepper to the ring to ward off evil spirits versus the first time jello wrestler
The Sicilian Ripper Cuntess of Cruelty. Hey kids, I can't make this stuff up and I spelled checked her name during the break. And yes, her band scares even me and I've listened to lots of music.
What a way to start! Power versus Cruelty. They lock up. Power shoots in. They lock up on their knees. Cruelty gets up like the Hulkster shaking off his opponents year in matches long gone by. Power clotheslines Cruelty. Power then pins Cruelty but she kicks out. They both get back on their feet. Cruelty flips over Power and tries for the pin but is unsuccessful. Power spins around and squirms away. Power then flips Cruelty and gets the pin.
Cruelty takes the high road. Power's friend Amy holds up the "Viva Italia" signs. Power makes another opponent "sleep with the fishes".
(2) The Tigerrr wants to make "the woman submit." The other woman is none other than fellow first timer, the Barracuda. The Barracuda says that size does not matter as she is much shorter than the Tigerrr. The Barracuda goes on the offensive quickly and pulls the Tigerrr's hair. The Barracuda falls down, gets up quickly, and then surprisingly clotheslines the Tigerrr. The Barracuda gets the quick pin.
In the post-match commentary, the Tigerrr explains her secret strategy and David thinks "She's Great!". "Tony the Tiger" is somewhere smiling. The Barracuda says she is "an equal opportunity ass kicker".
The Ninja Master tries to recruit the Tigerrr into his Pan Asia Axis of Destruction. The Ninja Master is the master of "ironic parody of demeaning Japanese stereotype". The Ninja Master may be misunderstood by some but a creative character genius in the Tank's book.
(3) The Portuguese Princess of Pain (Princess) versus Ice Queen (Queen). The Queen is also Santa's Little Helper and champion from
December. The Ice Queen is a personal favorite of the Tank as he portrayed "Frosty the Snowman" to cheer up his colleagues in December 2001 at our downtown Manhattan office just south of Ground Zero. Go Frosty and the Ice Queen!
This royal showdown gets off to a quick start as the Queen clotheslines the Princess and then flips her. The Princess then jumps through her legs. The Queen takes the Princess down. The Queen grabs her the Princess' leg. The Princess reverses around the Queen's back. The Queen flips the Princess. The Princess slams the Queen's head into the plastic ring.
The Princess beats the Queen. What an upset! Darn it!
(4) The next match starts as
DJ Extraordinaire Moldover plays a mix of Blondie's "Tainted Love".
The Black and Blue Ninja (Ninja) speaks in Japanese and the Ninja Master translates that she will "kick her booty".
The French camera crew briefly interviews Dana. "I wrestled once in college." (English to French Translation: "J'ai lutté par le passé dans l'université.")
New comer Pinga Rosa (Rosa) gets off to a fast start in tearing off the Ninja's hair and pulls her air. Ninja counters but Rosa spanks her. They somehow get in ninjitsu or Position 4 per David.
Rosa kicks out. Rosa then goes for the Three Stooges eye poke. Rosa reverses and gets the pin.
David or Allen describe The Ninja Master as the "blue eyed Aryan boy who washes up on the shores of Okinawa." The Ninja Master is shamed, scolds the Black and Blue Ninja Master, and goes to the back and mediate on this.
In her post-match commentary, Pinga Rosa thanks and loves her fans.
Allen and David ask audience member Allison to wrestle February 11 at Don Hills. There are also shameless promos for the AFJW t-shirt which are only $10. Yes, of course, the Tank bought another shirt which actually fits him this time after the show was over. I'll probably give the smaller shirt I bought back in October to AFJW fan and friend Linda for her birthday in June.
(5) The Brown Bunny (Bunny) threatens to eat anything in her way. New comer Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly) who threatens to beat the snot out of the Bunny. Deadly looks sweet and innocent in her Catholic School Girl outfit.
Deadly gets off to a quick start and pulls the Bunny's hair. The Bunny goes for the whip. The Bunny turns Deadly over. It's a draw. The Bunny tips Deadly over. Deadly miraculously reverses and gets on top. The Bunny reverses, goes for the pin, and wins.
The Brown Bunny is grateful for deflowering Deadly Dolores Hayes.
Jade and Joe are doing a great job at the bar. Danny is the sound guy. Annie Rocks is rocking with publicity and booking awesome bands, and Mark is the towel boy.
(6) The Italian Princess of Power (Power) versus the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain). Who will win?
Portugal versus
Italy. It's a good men's soccer showdown and an even better jello wrestling showdown between two princesses. Power scores a quick take down. Pain then throws down Power as Moldover cranks a great mix of Peter Gabriel's "Big Time".
Pain clotheslines Pain. Pain gets up. Power gets cornered. Amy cheers "Viva Italia" on while Power's head is in the corner. Power tried to pin her on the back.
While Pain pins the Princess, Moldover throws on Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up".
Pain enjoys the glory but calls an end to her brief but distinguished jello wrestling career as her band "
Man in Gray" is about to hit the stage. Talk about multi-tasking. By the way, Pain looks like Karen-O's (of the "Yeah Yeah Yeahs") younger sister.
(7) The Tigerrr versus the Black and Blue Ninja (Ninja). The Tigerrr is all business and exclaims "the white girl lied". It's not "rice" but lice".
The Ninja Master promises to the Ninja's honor will be avenged.
The Tigerrr strikes a yogic poses and the stare each other down like the Matrix fight scene. They lock up and quickly roll around. The Tigerrr kicks out. They both slip and fall. The Ninja applies a reverse choke hold and then slams the Tigerrr's head into the ring. They then fall into a Kama sutra position according to David. (I am blogging and enjoying the view. The Tank can multi-task.
The Ninja then gives her the "Kiss of Death" and scores of the win.
They are true sportwoman and shake hands.
However, in post-match commentary, the Tigerrr threatens to kick David's ass and David doesn't mind. He's had "too many quarters".
The Ninja Master speaks up for the Pan Asian Alliance. "You get the idea"
(8) Wearing the #24 Wisconsin Viking Team jersey, Pinga Rosa (Rosa) versus the Sicilian Ripper Cuntess of Cruelty (Cruelty).
Rosa pushes Cruelty down. Rosa pulls Cruelty's hair. Cruelty kicks out. They martial arts moves that would kick Bruce Lee's butt. Rosa clotheslines Cruelty, executes the vaunted arm bar, and throws down Cruelty. Rosa gets back up and get back up.
Cruelty somehow pins Rosa on the far side.
(9) Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly) versus the Barracuda.
They lock up and Deadly takes the Barracuda. Deadly pulls her hair and then Barracuda takes off her hair tie. Deadly gets the pin in the far corner.
Deadly can "fish and fry it up". The Barracuda promises to return.
(10) During the final match of the opening round, "Man in Gray" will be performing musically led by front woman the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain).
The Ice Queen (Queen) faces the Brown Bunny (Bunny). The Bunny slides through the Queen's legs. The Bunny gets on top. The Queen is down and tries to stand up but the Bunny tries a full nelson.
They roll out of the ring. They stand back up. The Bunny flips the Queen. The Queen escapes the pin. The Queen tries a half nelson. They get back up and the Queen shoots in. They again fall out of the ring and almost onto the Tank. "
Ladies, Keep It In the Ring!" Dana is a great referee and "mother of all the jello wrestlers" but the Bunny and Queen can wrestle as close as possible to the Tank anytime inside or out of the ring.
The rest is a blur as I experience sensory overload.
The Bunny wins by pin fall.
During the break, the Tank gets some air. The camera are warm and wearing a red, white, and blue feather boa doesn't cool me either. The Tank talks to the jello wrestlers. The Italian Princess of Power is amazing as she can drink, smoke cigarettes, and wrestle at the highest level. What an athlete!
Point of protocol: I verbally address her as the Italian Princess of Power but use Power for sake of brevity and keeping my carpal tunnel to a minimum.
We all go back inside in the nick of time for the Championship Round
(11) As the Champion round is about to begin, the Ninja Master "ordered sake and Sapporo and got Jack Daniels and Pabst Blue Ribbon, which is the bar special."
The Black and Blue Ninja (Ninja) takes her spot kneeling in the ring (kiddie pool).
After getting liquored up, he is now the drunken ninja master. As he expresses his bad karaoke "Wo, wo, feelings", the mike is unfortunately pulled from him. The Tank can sadly relate to being a victim of karaoke discrimination during last summer's trip to Australia at the hands of an angry Japanese expatriate. The Ninja Master and the Tank are kindred spirits for freedom of speech regardless of how others many dislike against our musical gift. You may soon see the Tank and the Ninja Master perform at Arlene's Monday Night karaoke.
Before she enters the ring, the Ice Queen (Queen) has new management led by a P Egghead III (young Boy Georgish look-a-like) as her manager and Natasha as her valet in the best traditions of the late, great Miss Elizabeth, R.I.P. of the WWF (now WWE).
After all the posturing, the Ninja throws the Queen down. The Queen flips the Ninja. The Ninja reverses and rolls out. How did the Ninja execute the "Cartwheel of Death"? Remember, cartwheels are hard but even harder in a plastic kiddie pool filled with jello and facing the Queen, the defending Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Champion.
The Ninja puts the Queen in a side head lock. The Ninja pulls the Queen's hair, pulls
her up, and then falls down. The Ninja goes in between the Queen's leg. The Ninja slams the Queen down. The Queen gets a leg lock around the torso. The Queen pins the Ninja. Yeah!
In her post-match commentary, the Ninja is outraged. She suddenly speaks fluent English. The Ninja flips the Queen in poor sportsmanship.
The Tank reminds everyone of the February 11 event at Don Hills and plugs
http://www.steveandthetank.com/ (12) The Tigerrr versus Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly). Deadly flips the Tigerrr. The Tigerrr gets up.but then they both begin to slip and slide. The Tigerrr pulls Deadly's pig tails to the ground. David says Deadly "is used to being on her knees".
After Deadly pulls the Tigerrr by her hair, Allen yells that Deadly has the "Tigerrr by the Tail". Deadly wins.
In post-match commentary, the Tigerrr says that she "like being on bottom".
In response, Deadly says that "the Tigerrr was nothing but a pussycat".
Battling nausea and overwork from getting the daily job website going this morning, Steve finally arrives.
(13) The Brown Bunny (Bunny) versus the Barracuda.
The Bunny promises to make promises quick work of the Barracuda. The Barracuda admonishes her fellow women to "get off the fence and get in the f*King ring".
The match gets off to a quick start as they jump through each others legs. They roll around. The Barracuda tries to pull the Bunny for the ear pull.
The Bunny tries for the pin. They roll around and then get back up. The Barracuda side flips the Bunny to her knees. Whoa, the Bunny slam and she then gets the pin.
The Barracuda is going home but promises to return to reclaim her crown.
David says that the Bunny is "No foo foo but a foo fighter".
Props to Orly (Sp?) for great sign writing.
(14) The Italian Princess of Power (Power) versus Ping Rosa (Rosa). Power goes back to her natural color shorts in hopes of reversing her fortunes.
Rosa says she is the real princess and shows she star underwear.
The Power criticizes Rosa's Wisconsin accent. The trash talking and clothing has gone to another level. Allen remarks that this is "the moon, star, and the sun" match.
Rosa is in the air and Power goes down. Power gets a clothesline.
Rosa tries for the back pin. They grapple and roll around. Rosa goes for a Jiujutsu style pretzel. UFC Light Heavyweight Champion
Chuck "The Ice Man" Liddell should be afraid, very afraid.
Power is getting slammed into the ground. Power somehow throws Rosa. Rosa mounts Power from behind. Rosa hooks a leg but Power reverses. Rosa rolls out and gives her a wedgie. Oh My God, a wedgie. This is a jello wrestling first for the Tank. (Lucky Steve got it on film.)
Power goes for the leg neck lock. Wow! Rosa tries to apply the Figure Four mastered by the man on my t-shirt, Rick "The Nature Boy" Flair. Power somehow kicks out and pins Rosa.
In addition to being a well trained martial artist, Rosa is a good sport. Allen exclaims that "Man that should have been my strategy in 5th Grade!"
Power boasts that "The Power of the Princess will be unleashed.
(15) The Sicilian Ripper Cuntess of Cruelty (Cruelty) versus Man In Gray front woman the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain).
Allen and the Tank immediately recognize Moldover going for the Jaws record. I think few others do.
They lock up. Pain pulls the Cruelty's hair and slams her. David or Allen remark that "Pain is dancing to cruelty's pleasure".
Pain gets Cruelty into the corner but she rolls out. They stand up. David exclaims that "They take a ticking and a licking."
Pain slams Cruelty.
Clothes comes off. Cruelty's bra comes off and Pain gets the pin. "Not only is she an amazing singer but she can wrestler.".
According to her post match commentary, "The Cuntess lost her power" after she lost her bra.
In her post match commentary, Pain "loves the Co-Ed Crisco Twister." Instead of going to work tomorrow, David, Allen, and the rest of the crowd convince Pain to stay. Allen replies that "it is so not rock and roll" to go to work tomorrow.
David is proudly wearing his Amateur Female Jello Wrestling shirt. "It guarantees getting laid by two beautiful women" (at least while wearing the shirt in bed). Don't get the Tank too excited.
(16) In the "Narnia" match, the Ice Queen (Queen) versus Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly).
Deadly "says she'll finish the Ice Queen off like her algebra homework.".
They lock up and grab each other by wrists. Moldover seemingly reads the Tank's musical mind and cranks out Metallica's "Master of Puppets".
The Queen is on top and then throws her against the side of the ring. Deadly pushes back.
The Queen pulls Deadly by her pigtails. The Queen then grabs her wrist and then gets the pin.
David or Allen exclaim "Long Live the Queen"! Here, here the Tank thinks to himself. Okay, my journalistic integrity is out the window but this isn't the BBC. "Je suis maintenant Français. (I am now French).
Deadly promises to return. "Now that I've been deflowered, I'll return on February 11."
"Will God Save the Queen?" as she goes to the championship match.
(17) The Brown Bunny had to leave so the Barracuda gets a second chance. The Italian Princess of Power wonders "if the bunny was doping"
Power now calls on her "Wedgie resolve" and tells Allen that "You are correct sir".
Who will win? Size or speed. Experience versus youth.
Pulls her back. The Barracuda goes down under the weight of the Power. Allen remarks that "the Barracuda is swimming against the current."
Powers slams Barracuda and gets the pin in the far corner.
"The fish has been sauteed, put in the pasta, and eaten" David said.
Power glows in her victory but is afraid of Crisco as she is "a extra olive oil".
(18) In the wild card match, the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain) versus Dana Sterling. Since Dana is the regular referee, it is officiated by a woman drinking beer.
They link up and stare each other down.
"Dana goes down" and out of the ring. Dana takes off her shirt. They throw jello at each other. Dana goes for the hair pull and smashes her against the side of the ring.
Moldover cranks the "Tainted Love" beat.
David exclaims that Pain is "buried alive in the half inch of jello."
Dana clotheslines Pain and body slams here. Pain kicks out.
"The rocker always win". Annie Rocks says but cheers for Dana.
Pain gets the pin from behind but only gets a two count. Pain side flips Dana. Dana gets up but Pain gets the win.
In her post match commentary, "I guess rock and roll beats jello" Dana said.
The team fixes the mattresses under kiddie pool. Colin and Jessica. Intimate orange.
(19) The Italian Princess of Power versus the Ice Queen.
Allen asks "Your majesty, can you freeze the Ice Queen."
The Ice Queen replies that "I'll give her frostbite. It'll be a snow job."
The Italian Princess of Power is afraid but powered by peroni and pasta. She is the "Princess of Pasta".
The Power declares "your (David) brain was off to begin with."
The Queen rolls out as Stevie Wonder comes on. Slow-mo jello wrestling, hair pull, and toss. Power puts jello down the Queen's shorts.
Allen remarks that the match is moving at "glacial speed".
Even the announcers go slow-mo.
The Queen gets a full nelson and Power kicks out. The Queen is on top and pins the IPP.
David taunts Power but Power replies that "at least I got to feel her boobs and you didn't". Power 1, David, The Tank, and Everyone Else 0.
Power advises "Allen, you need to eat pasta".
(20) The Ice Queen (Queen) versus the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain).
"The sexually promiscuous El Jezel" will play the championship.
They lock up and Pain flips the Queen. This is a much faster match. They stand up and Power slams the Queen down.
Pain side tosses the Queen. The Queen reverses. The band kicks in.
The Queen scores a clothesline. "The Queen is on top!" David or Allen shout.
They roll around. The Queen grabs her from the side and the Queen tries for the pin. Pain kicks out. They stand as Dana gives them instruction.
Pain dives between the Queen's legs. The Queen flips. They stand again. Pain scores a
clothesline. The Queen slams Pain. Pain goes for the hair pull. They bear hug.
While on the outside of the ring, "Is the Queen down?". The Portuguese Princess of Pain gets the win.
"Just wait til next time" the Queen says.
Her manager quickly changes alliance.
"All girls should get in the pit. I can wrestle, do a concert, and wrestle some more."
Pain says.
In the post-match interview, the Tank agrees with the Queen that the result was controversial.
Happy Martin Luther King Junior (R.I.P.) Day to you and yours!
Until next week at Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister, "Au revoir, mes amis." You can also look for the Tank at Chinese New Year in Chinatown next month. I am trying to be one of the dancing dragons.
Posted by Steve And The Tank live from Amateur Female Jello Wrestling at Arlene's Grocery at 95 Stanton Street on the Lower East Side.