 Monday, December 11, 2006
Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Holiday Edition
If it is the second Sunday of the month, then it's time for the December installment of Amateur Female Jello Wrestling, New York's premier sports satire, live from Arlene's Grocery on the Lower East Side. Though it's great to see familiar faces like the Italian Princess of Power, the Extra Special Agent (ESA), and Captain Zorikh, there are several new wrestlers this evening as the word-of-mouth has spread. Arlene's Grocery is packed. After the wrestlers practice their moves, Nathan, John, and the Tank set-up the kiddie pool and pour the jello. Dana takes the mike to introduce the crowd to AFJW and thanks everyone for coming. Allan is the MC. Resident DJ, Moldover, will be playing on the 20th at SubAtomic. This guy is really good. If you have a chance to see him, you're in for a treat. The Fire Flies are the opening act. The Fire Flies have been compared to "David Bowie and Flaming Lips having sex while listening to hip-hop". Yup, pretty accurate and darn good too. MC Allan exalts that tonight is all about the ladies. However, in the spirit of equal time, it is hula-hoop time. Dana calls me up onto the stage. The Tank is one five contestants. Devo's "Whip It" is a great hula hoop song. The Tank does slightly better than last month but doesn't make the final round like the 2005 "Antarctica Idol" Competition where I placed third. In the meantime, I'll stick to blogging and karaoke, NOT hula hooping. With green hair and a red bow, The Parcel of Power, AKA Extra Special Agent from November's installment, versus the Italian Princess of Power. As always, the Princess has beer in hand like ECW's Sandman and promises to make the Parcel of Power sleep with the fishes.
Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let's get ready to Jello Wrestle! The matches are numbered below:
(1) After an early standstill, the Parcel of Power is flipped but not pinned. The Parcel of Power reverses and gets on top of the Italian Princess of Power. The Italian Princess of Power reverses and starts to slowly unwrap the Parcel of Power. Back and forth they go. The Parcel of Power is flipped over again and comes out of the ring. The Italian Princess of Power scores an arm bar. The Parcel of Power reverses into a roll around. The Italian Princess of Power goes for the tradition hair pull. The hair pull does NOT work because the Parcel of Power has shaved green hair in the spirit of the Season. The Italian Princess of Power somehow is able to pin the Parcel of Power in the corner of the kiddie pool.
(2) Santa's Little Helper versus first time Amateur Female Jello Wrestler Jezebel, the Tank is going with the traditional Biblical spelling of Jezebel though it maybe Jezzabel as I tried to clarify with her during the intermission but it was too loud. (My apologies if I misspelled it.)
Jezebel dives into the ring and gets Santa's Little Helper in a head lock.
Jezebel gets the crowd behind her. Jezebel lands on Santa's Little Helper. Is she pinned? Referee Dana checks and declares Jezebel the winner of the match.
(3) The third or Three Turtle Doves match features first-timers Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy versus Sandra Claus. They lock up in an arms to shoulders hold like Macho Man Randy Savage versus the Hulkster but that's where the similarity ends. They roll around and Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy gets the quick pin.
(4) Chocolate Thunder and Backhand Betty are two more first timers. Backhand Betty removes her wreath. Backhand Betty dives in between Chocolate Thunder's legs. Chocolate Thunder gets on top but Backhand Betty reverses. Chocolate Thunder gets a quick pin in the corner. As she promised in her pre-match comments, she was ready to rumble.
(5) Another first timer, Little Miss Succubus, versus Jezebel. Little Miss Succubus slips and Jezebel takes advantage. They are fast and furious; the fastest in the three matches I have covered and probably the fastest in the almost 30 years I have watched and covered professional and amateur wrestling. Jezebel executes a ferocious flying back pin and then a clothesline. They roll around and Jezebel tries to put her in a headlock and get the pin. Jezebel maybe a first time Amateur Female Jello Wrestling but she is well schooled in wrestling.
Jezebel wins but the crowd, including the Tank, wants a rematch.
(6) Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy versus the Hurricane. The trash talking starts even before they step in the ring.
The Hurricane flips Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy over and then executes a clothes line. Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy gets up and the Hurricane dives between her legs. Hurricane pins Tinsel. A post match reveres in them slipping and falling.
(7) The Brown Bunny versus the Italian Princess of Power. The Italian Princess of Power threatens to make "gravy" out of the Brown Bunny.
They lock up. The Brown Bunny dives between the Italian Princess of Power's legs. They roll around and the Brown Bunny spanks the Italian Princess of Power. They try to stand and the Brown Bunny almost slams the Italian Princess of Power like The Hulkster versus Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania. The Brown Bunny has the Italian Princess of Power's leg but she escapes. (The Hulkster never had to deal with jello and the subsequent slipping and sliding it causes.)
"Viva Italia" rings out from the crowd for the Italian Princess of Power followed by rabbit sounds for the Brown Bunny. The Italian Princess of Power slips through the Brown Bunny's legs. The Brown Bunny tries a reverse pin. The Brown Bunny tries to tickle the Italian Princess of Power's foot, a non-traditional wrestling move. They quickly settle back into a traditional Greco-Roman position in the middle of the ring. The Brown Bunny does
a side flip but it goes right back to a standoff as they both almost fall out of the ring. The Brown Bunny BB gets the Italian Princess of Power into the corner and wins the match.
In the post-match commentary, the Italian Princess of Power compares the Brown Bunny to the Energizer Bunny.
(8) Annie Rock is not only the Publicist for Amateur Female Jello Wrestling but also a wrestler. Annie will face none other than Founder and Referee Dana. They both pull each others pig tails. Moldover captures the move with Black Sabbath's "War Pigs".
Dana reverses but Annie Rock body slams Dana. Dana somehow gets out and slides under Annie Rock's legs. Annie Rock reverses Dana to the other side of the ring. Annie Rock wins her first match as her wrestling skills equal her booking ability.
(9) Chocolate Thunder versus Sandra Claus. Chocolate Thunder is smug going into the ring. They size each other up. They lock up and Jane's Addiction classic "Been Caught Stealing" cranks. They both try the hair pull. Chocolate Thunder has Sandra Claus on her stomach but Sandra Claus kicks out. Sandra Claus dives in but Chocolate Thunder rolls her over. They roll around and then quickly stand again. Moldover again aptly captures the mood with Kool And The Gang's "Jungle Boogie". (Book this guy for your next party as he is on fire.) Chocolate Thunder spanks Sandra Claus. They again go for the hair pull.
Sandra Claus pins Chocolate Thunder but can't get a three count. Chocolate Thunder gets up and then is taken down again. Sandra Claus wins. Chocolate Thunder says that Christmas is once a year but chocolate is delicious year around.
(10) Annie Rock versus Backhand Betty. Backhand Betty falls but miraculously gets Annie Rock into a quick pin in the corner. Backhand Betty flips jello into the crowd and declares that she is going to Disneyland. One of the Tank's favorites songs, A-Ha's classic "Take On Me", pours out over the speakers. (11) The Brown Bunny versus Dana. Dana goes for the hair pull. The Brown Bunny slams Dana. The Brown Bunny gets a quick pin. Two wins in a few moments. That has to be an AFJW record. (12) In the last match of the open round before the Championship Round, Valeze is going to perform during the final match. Please check out their video on the Media tab.
As the band plugs in, Allan and Dana promote next month's jello wrestling on Sunday, January 14 and the upcoming Co-Ed Crisco Disco Twister on Sunday, January 21. You know the Tank is going to be there. The Tank may not hula hoop well but he can dance.
A guy standing on a bar stool says he is going to buy an AFJW t-shirt for his Mom for Christmas. What a loving son! This guy should be son of the year! 
Santa's Little Helper versus Little Miss Succubus. They roll around. Santa's Little Helper executes a flip. They pull each others hair and Little Miss Succubus dives in between Santa's Little Helper's legs. Little Miss Succubus reverses and gets the leg pin in the
corner.
“Valeze has got their feet firmly planted in Blondie’s footsteps. Fronted by classically-trained Tiffany Randol, this band (with their frenetic breakdowns and breathy vocals) will take you right back to Studio 54!” — NY Press
Tiffany looks like a 21 year old Gwen Stefani and sounds like Debbie Harry of Blondie. What a gifted singer. After the bands great performance, Tiffany stage dives into the kiddie pool. She rocks!
We're only halfway home and time to catch some air and checks my Blackberries. Steve unfortunately can't make it as he is preparing for a Microsoft keynote address on Tuesday. Good luck Steve!
Morgan makes it all sound great on the sound board. DJ LoKey fills in for Moldover. (13) The Championship Round begins with the Hurricane versus the Italian Princess of Power. They lock up and the Hurricane flips the Italian Princess of Power. They both try to flip each other. The Italian Princess of Power is enraged after the Hurricane spanks her. MC Allan asks the Brown Bunny who is going to win and the Brown Bunny thinks that the Hurricane will win. Santa's Little Helper is not sure. The Italian Princess of Power reverses and stays on her stomach. The Italian Princess of Power is a savvy wrestler. They stand and Dana instructs the wrestlers. They can't flip each other. They continue spanking and going into the corner. The Hurricane has the Italian Princess of Power in a head lock. The Italian Princess of Power breaks out but the Hurricane grabs the Italian Princess of Power's hair. The Hurricane somehow gets the Italian Princess of Power in a hold. The Hurricane goes to the new trick of tickling the Italian Princess of Power's feet. (Jezebel and Little Miss Succubus yell for toe sucking from the stage microphone. I can't make this stuff up.) The Hurricane puts jello down the Italian Princess of Power's shorts. The Hurricane has the Italian Princess of Power in a reverse lock. The Italian Princess of Power won't yield nor submit. The Italian Princess of Power goes to the protective fetal position but the Hurricane gets the Italian Princess of Power in a toe lock. Both wrestlers go for the jello down the shorts trick. Two ladies to my left are yelling for the Italian Princess of Power to remove the Hurricane's wig. The Italian Princess of Power is pinned by the Hurricane in the far corner. This has to be the longest match of the evening.
(14) Jezebel versus Sandra Claus. Sandra Claus predicts "lots of foreplay" in her pre-match commentary. Jezebel has the height advantage. Jezebel turns her back and Sandra Claus goes right in. They roll around. Sandra Claus pins Jezebel but she kicks out.
Sandra Claus partially tears off Jezebel's white t-shirt. Jezebel reverses and gets the pin and win. Sandra Claus promises to return next month.
(15) Santa's Little Helper versus Backhand Betty. Santa's Little Helper gets the early
advantage but Backhand Betty reverses. They roll around. Santa's Little Helper tries a reverse back pin. Backhand Betty is on top but they exit the ring. Back Hand Betty is pinned down in the far corner and Santa's Little Helper wins. Backhand Betty promises to return next month.
Massive props to Mark the Trainer. Dana tries to recruit Kimberly for the next month.
(16) The Brown Bunny likes the "taste and feel of jello". Annie Rock versus the Brown Bunny. Dana reveals that Jaga (sp?) needs to be married to stay in the country. This sounds like the Tank's last girlfriend earlier this year. No, I did not marry her. The Tank considers helping Jaga but wants to avoid the emotional train wreck of a relationship as officially deemed by MTA Ray, my subway motorman roommate. After the matches, the Tank does offer to help Jaga and she has a job and a boyfriend who will marry her. Good news! More on my relationship issues as we head towards Valentine's Day. You haven't read anything yet. Buckle up!
Back to the match, Annie Rock flips the Brown Bunny. The Brown Bunny pushes Annie Rock. They reverse and the Brown Bunny is quick and true to her name. TheBrown Bunny slams Annie Rock. They collide in the middle of the ring. The Brown Bunny and Annie Rock Stand back up and the Brown Bunny flips AR. While "Walk Like An Egyptian" plays, the Brown Bunny hooks Annie Rock's leg for the pin and win.
(17) Chocolate Thunder versus Little Miss Succubus. They also roll out of the ring. They stand and Thunder connects on the clothesline. They roll into the near corner. Chocolate Thunder body slams Little Miss Succubus. Fast and furious. Chocolate Thunder throws down Little Miss Succubus. Little Miss Succubus is somehow able to pin Chocolate Thunder but she kicks out. Chocolate Thunder pulls Little Miss Succubus to the near corner. Chocolate Thunder tries a reverse back pin. They roll out of the ring and Dana gets them back in the center of the ring. They collide and the Little Miss Succubus rolls out to the near corner. Little Miss Succubus has Chocolate Thunder on her stomach but not a win.
MC Allan asks Backhand Betty who will win and Backhand Betty put her money on the Underground, Little Miss Succubus. Chocolate Thunder tries a body slam to the near corner. They reverse and the scrum is on. Chocolate Thunder pulls Little Miss Succubus down. Little Miss Succubus tries another back pin but Chocolate Thunder rolls out. Chocolate Thunder gets Little Miss Succubus in a choke hold. Because of the fast and furious action, the ring has moved diagonally.
The Italian Princess calls for the Last Rites and blesses both wrestlers from the stage as Dana warns Chocolate Thunder against an illegal lock hold. Chocolate Thunder goes for the traditional hair pull. Little Miss Succubus tries for a reverse back pin. They have to go back to the middle again. MC Allan wonders if the US will be out of Iraq before the end of this match. It could be a new Hundred Years War.
Chocolate Thunder embraces Little Miss Succubus in a hold and slams her to the far ring.
Chocolate Thunder gets the pin and win. Whoa, my thumbs are about to fall off from typing on my Blackberry.
(18) Jezebel versus the Hurricane. The Hurricane is nowhere to be found. While the search is on for the Hurricane, Dana interviews an enthusiastic newcomer who promises to wrestle next month.
The Hurricane finally appears. She blows into the ring and dives between Jezebel's legs. Jezebel escapes the Hurricane's hold. They exit the ring. The Hurricane goes for Jezebel's legs. Jezebel has the Hurricane on her stomach to wear her down. Jezebel tries to turn her shoulder for the pin. Jezebel stands up but the Hurricane goes for her leg again. Jezebel falls on the Hurricane and pins her.
(19) Santa's Little Helper versus the Brown Bunny. The WWE may have the Armageddon Pay-Per-View but Amateur Female Wrestling has Christmas versus Easter. WWE has nothing on AFJW.
Santa's Little Helper executes the clothesline. The Brown Bunny goes for Santa's Little Helper's hair. The Brown Bunny flips Santa's Little Helper. Back and forth they go. Santa's Little Helper body slams the Brown Bunny. The Brown Bunny spears Santa's Little Helper like Goldberg used to in the WCW.
The Brown Bunny tries a reverse back pin. Santa's Little Helper escapes and tries a choke
hold. Santa's Little Helper tries a half nelson but the Brown Bunny escapes. Santa's Little Helper goes for the full body ring.
Remember, Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister Night on Sunday, January 21.
(20) Chocolate Thunder versus an eliminated opponent. Little Miss Succubus left but it is
time for the Italian Princess of Power to redeem herself.
Who will win? Chocolate Thunder's strength or the Italian Princess of Power's experience. The Italian Princess of Power gets Chocolate Thunder in the near corner. Chocolate Thunder reverses out while Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" comes on.
They lock up and Chocolate Thunder goes for the hair pull. Chocolate Thunder tries a body slam. The Italian Princess of Power reverses to the far corner and pins her. The Italian Princess of Power advances to the championship match.
In post-match commentary, Chocolate Thunder says it "hurts the first time" but promises to return on January 14. The Italian Princess of Power acknowledges her luck. Forza Italia!
(21) Jezebel versus Santa's Little Helper. Jezebel falls off the stage but is thankfully okay. Jezebel removes her boots and enters the ring. Santa's Little Helper goes for a quick pin in the far corner and gets it. Jezebel also promises to return next month.
(22) And now, for the match we have all been waiting for, The Championship Match: The Italian Princess of Power versus Santa's Little Helper. The Fire Flies retake the stage. DJ Lokey, Morgan, the Tank (no, thank you), and the rest of the hard work team are thanked for our efforts.
The Italian Princess of Power and Santa's Little Helper lock up and the quickly roll around for the advantage. Santa's Little Helper rolls over the Italian Princess of Power unto her back. Amazing! The traditional hair pulling resumes and then embrace in a bear hold. Santa's Little Helper goes for a pin but it doesn't count. Santa's Little Helper throws jello. The Italian Princess of Power retaliates. The Italian Princess of Power goes for the far corner pin. They stand and Santa's Little Helper scores the clothesline and pin. Santa's Little Helper is the December Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Champion.
In the post-match commentary, the Tank is grateful to get his photo with the champion, Santa's Little Helper.
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As Tank leaves Arlene's Grocery, Alessandro gives the Tank a great business card idea of a military Tank inside aquarium tank. John and Kurt also give good ideas. Steve and I will have to discuss these great ideas for our business card. The Tank's next stop is the post-Amateur Female Jello Wrestling party at the Delancey Bar on the north side of Delancey Street next to the Brooklyn Bridge. The Tank is grateful to Captain Zorikh for the invitation. Captain Zorikh appeared as Rudy is the Red Rabbling Rousing Reindeer. Jolie Voltaire appeared as Happy the Proletarian Worker Elf. Captain Zorikh and the Doom Maidens put on a show that has to be seen to be believed.
Until the next Amateur Female Jello Wrestling on Sunday, January 14, Happy Holidays and New Year to all!
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Yankee Chemistry Questions
Perma Guest Jack and I were talking (or texting) Yankees Hot Stove Action over the weekend.
As much as we are overjoyed by Andy Pettitte coming back home, there is something quite not right.
Yes, the pitching staff is thankfully starting to take shape with Wang, Pettitte, and Mussina. Randy Johnson is on the mend but may not be ready for Opening Day. Given Carl Pavano's injuries, he may never pitch for the Yankees or anyone else again.
Igawa's potential signing is exciting as is Roger Clemens MAYBE following his best friend Andy Pettitte back to New York (God Willing). Though it was sad to see Gary Sheffield go, the trade for Sanchez and a couple of other young pitchers was welcome. There is also Yankee home grown talent like Rasner, Karstens, and Hughes. They are all exciting young pitchers who will hopefully be part of the team in years to come.
The only catch is chemistry. Will A-Rod ever be accepted by the Yankee fans and players? Will Mike Mussina and A-Rod stop arguing? They both need to look in the mirror and let bygones be bygones because neither superstar has won a ring and they probably won't if they don't stop fighting inside and outside the lockerroom. Is Derek Jeter the captain of all the Yankees or only of the ones he likes?
There are only about two months until pitchers and catchers to see how these questions are answered. Championships are usually won and lost in the off-season and the time to mend the fences and heal the wounds is now.
Posted by the Tank in NY.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Saturday, December 09, 2006
The 2006 Heisman Trophy Is Awarded To...
If there is any doubt who Saturday night's Heisman Trophy winner should be, they need laser vision surgery more than the Tank and most professional referees and umpires.
Let's put it this way, if someone other than Troy Smith wins the Heisman, there should be an investigation.
Sure, Brady Quinn got all the pre-season hype but his Heisman hopes crashed with Notre Dame's losses to Michigan and USC.
Arkansas' Darren McFadden is a great athlete and may have the best NFL career of all.
However, Smith has battled through it all -- a foster care home, taking $500 from a booster and being benched for two games in 2004 and 2005 for it, etc. to lead the Ohio State University Buckeyes to the BCS National Championship Game and a perfect season.
Smith has the perfect balance of poise in the pocket, mobility, and a rifle arm.
Though the Tank doesn't yet have a vote for the Heisman, my vote is for Troy Smith.
Posted by The Tank in NY.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Friday, December 08, 2006
Prayers for Pettitte Answered
Don't worry, Steve and The Tank haven't forgotten about baseball. As much as we love other sports, we have been following baseball's winter meetings closely but have refrained from commenting on rumors.
I have been praying for Andy Pettitte's return to the Yankees and didn't want to jinx it by writing about it. Andy is a God fearing all-around family man who knows how to deal with the pressure of pitching in New York. Furthermore, if Roger Clemens returns next season, he will probably be inclined to come back to the Yankees because (1) Pettitte is his best friend, (2) Clemens and Pettitte share the same agents, the Hendricks brothers, and (3) the Red Sox will probably have a full rotation if they sign Matsuzaka. What better way to contend and hopefully send Joe Torre off on a winning note, God Willing.
Posted by a grateful Tank in NY. Merry Early Christmas to me and other Yankees fans. Happy Holidays to all!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Booing and Sleeping Fans are Desperate Pleas for Help
Wednesday night's Knicks defeat to the Wizards was a pathetic as they come. The Wizards won 113-102 and it was their first road win of the season. The final score was actually closer than the real results as the Knicks rallied late to make it somewhat respectable.
I received two separate reports on the pain of last night's loss. My roommate, MTA Ray, said that the Knicks took an early 9-2 lead and quit after the Wizards took a timeout. Basketball Brant took his niece to her first basketball game and the Knicks owe her and her Uncle Brant an apology. I am afraid that she will be traumatized for life and hate her loving Uncle Brant. Basketball Brant almost got out of his seat to show the Knicks how we used to play defense in college pick-up games.
By the end of the game, MTA Ray reported "Fire Thomas" chants while others resorted to "Fire Isiah" and "Fire (Owner) Dolan" chants. Other fans resorted to catching up on their sleep.
If you care about professional basketball in the capital of the free world, you need to call the Knicks offices and demand that they accept my reasonable offer OR the Knicks home losses will mount. Do the right thing, Mr. Dolan, and help alleviate the suffering of millions of Knicks fans.
Posted by an increasingly depressed and impatient Tank in NY.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
NFL Picks
Thanks to the Chokeaholic Giants and Chiefs (14 point lead late in the game), the Tank was 9-7 last week. The Colts and Raiders upsets didn't help either. Anyway, without further ado, please find my predicted winning picks in bold below:
Locks:
The Bengals should clobber the visiting Raiders.
The Broncos have a new quarterback but the Chargers are at home and on a roll.
Should Win:
The Steelers beat the visiting Browns.
The Falcons beat the Buccaneers at home.
The Ravens beat the Chiefs.
The Colts should bounce-back against the Jaguars.
The Vikings beat the hapless Lions.
The Patriots over the improving and host Dolphins.
The Packers woes should continue against the improving 49ers.
The Seahawks should get by the improving Cardinals.
As it pains me to write this, the Jets should roll over the Bills.
As bad Rex Grossman was with only 34 yards passing last week, they still found a way to win thanks to their defense. Grossman's quarterback rating was 1.3, almost the lowest mathematically possible and the lowest I have ever seen and heard, as most quarterbacks average in the high double digits or low triple digits. The Bears should beat the Rams.
Avoid Picking:
The Eagles are alive and kicking and should beat the struggling but talented Redskins. If Hall of Fame Coach Bill Gibbs can't figure the Redskins out, how should the rest of us?
The Titans are improving but at the Texans.
As much as I want the real America's Team to win, the Saints, they are at the Cowboys and without the Tank's brother from another mother Hollis Thomas.
Protest:
I didn't even want to waste my time and yours condemning the Giants. Their issues are too numerous for me to write and you to read. Bottom Line: The Giants should have drafted Phillip Rivers instead of Eli Manning and gave up way too much, i.e. a third round pick in 2004 and the first and fifth round pick in 2005. Eli doesn't have his brother Peyton's arm to deal with the swirling winds of Giants Stadium nor his father's heart and drive. Remember, Eli's Old Miss teams were not as good as Peyton's Tennessee teams and the same will hold true in the NFL. Undisciplined clowns like Plaxico Burress getting untimely and illogical penalties don't help. They are more stressed out than the Tank. Coach Tom Coughlin deserves better and may get an injury pass but no extension going into the final year of his contract next season. Best wishes to RB Tiki Barber and GM Ernie Accorsi in their announced retirements after the season.
Posted by The Tank in NY.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Broken Computer System
After #2 USC was upset by UCLA on Saturday, the chaos began. Who would be the #2 seed to face #1 Ohio State in the national championship series?
Florida Coach Urban Meyer has been a frequent critic of the Broken Computer System, AKA the Bowl Championship Series. However, after beating Arkansas in the Southeastern Conference (SEC) Championship game, Coach Meyer's criticism diminished after his successful campaigning for the #2 ranking and seed. I understand Coach Meyer's politicking though Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr thought his comments were "inappropriate".
When the computers stopped calculating, Florida was the #2 seed by about .0111 of a point so Florida has the honor of meeting Ohio State for the national championship. To add fuel to the fire, Ohio State Coach Jim Tressel did not vote, he abstained. He abstained because he probably felt he was between a rock and a hard place. If he voted for Michigan as #2, he would have been accused as a Big Ten Apologist. If he voted for Florida as #2, he would have been accused as sticking it to Michigan. I can understand Coach Tressel's position because if he had to face Michigan and lost in the national championship game, he would have beaten them during the regular season, then lost to them for the BCS National Championship, and then been the #2 team.
As much as the Tank uses and loves computers, the Tank has long espoused a true playoff format. Granted, football is too demanding for a Field of 65 or 64 basketball teams or even a Sweet 16 (though Division III Football can pull it off), but the major college football powers (MCFP) can handle a Final Four. The Regular Season and Conference Championships finish in early December. The #1 team plays the #4 team on the same day or weekend in mid to late December that the #2 team plays the #3 team. A couple of weeks later in early January, the winners of #1 versus #4 game plays the winner of the #2 versus #3 game. The winner of that game is the national champion.
How difficult is it? It's a win for everyone because the Tank would have closure and be able to sleep better knowing that there is a true national champion. Right now, there is $1.2 Billion in economic impact to the host cities this season alone and "[i]n the first eight years of the BCS system, more than $50 million was distributed to conferences that do not have an annual automatic berth in the system." The MCFP would benefit because they could have more big MONEY games. Imagine that! More money for the MCFP, a real national championship, and closure for the Tank. Everyone is happy. I am not even questioning where the rest of the money goes nor possible conflicts of interest between Mr. Mike Slive being the Southeastern Conference (SEC) Commissioner and the BCS Coordinator.
College football has the best regular season. Why can't it have an awesome playoff system like college basketball? Settle it on the field, NOT by computers and politicking alumni, boosters, and coaches. Let's hope the MCFP come to their senses soon and institutes a real playoff system or they will alienate their fans like the Tank. I just want a real playoff system with a real champion.
Posted by the Tank in NY yearning for real College Football National Championship Closure.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Why aren't you selling any more tickets to the Klitschko-Brock fight?
After growing up watching great boxers like Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Sugar Ray Leonard, Alexis Arguello, and Roberto "Hands of Stone" Duran, the Tank has soured on professional boxing over the past decade or so because of the corruption and mismanagement that has plagued the "Sweet Science". However, my friend Boogie Down Bronx Jose taped some fights during the past year and we would talk about them. While listening to Max Kellerman on ESPN 1050 AM, I also got back into boxing as Max is an excellent boxing analyst.
Instead of travelling to Vegas or Atlantic City to watch a fight, the Tank went to the world's greatest arena, Madison Square Garden, a few weeks ago to watch the heavyweight champion of the world, Dr. Wladimir Wladimirowich Klitschko. Since the Tank went to the Brian Regan comedy concert earlier that evening, I wasn't sure when it would end so I didn't want to waste money by buying a ticket I wouldn't use. The Tank walked up to the box office but only the Will Call window is open. The main event was more than 30 minutes away and they weren't selling tickets, only Will Call. I could understand if the Garden sold out but there were still at least a few thousand tickets available. What's up with that?
I started to walk around the entrance of the Garden with one finger in the air. It wasn't the BNL insanity signal but I tried to scalp a ticket. The following is a brief transcript of a conversation:
Stranger: Are you a cop?
Tank: No.
Stranger: You look like a cop.
Tank: No, you look like a cop.
This didn't go anywhere so the Tank moved on. A Ukrainian adolescent about 100 feet away said to not to bother trying to scalp a ticket as he and about seven of his friends were sold fake tickets. They ask me if I understand.
Tank: "Da, ya znaio." ("Yes, I understand," I replied to him in Russian.)
Adolescent #2: "Where is the ESPNZone? Will it show the fight?"
Tank: "I am not sure as they are probably showing college football and pro basketball."
I give them the directions, buy a Klitschko scarf as winter is approaching and I can't find my Yankee scarf after moving, and try to find a bar that shows the fight. I walk up to nearby Jack Dempsey's Restaurant figuring they would have the fight as it was named one of the greatest fighters of all time. They didn't. You have to be kidding me.
Though I didn't get a ticket, at least Klitschko won the fight. Time to go to walk to the Pyramid Club to listen to some great music.
Posted by the Tank in NY.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Army versus Navy
As much tradition as Ohio State - Michigan has with 103 meetings, Army versus Navy takes the cake with 107 battles. It is not only the best rivalry in all of professional and amateur sports between two great institutions, it is bragging rights for our servicemen and women stationed at home and around the globe. It also helps them forget their daily issues and hardships wherever they are. Army and Navy compete in almost every conceivable sport from football to track to women's basketball. (R.I.P. Army Coach Maggie Dixon who tragically passed at 28 years old earlier this year.)
The 2007 Army senior class is going for their first victory in the four years, especially after last year's painful rout.
The Tank can not honestly pick the game because of personal emotions as well as the fact that the emotion on the field trumps everyone, including Vegas oddmakers (but of course excluding God). The spread is 20 in favor of the Naval Academy but a win against Navy would salvage the Army season.
Throw out the records, throw out the betting, this game comes down to PHD, Pride Hustle Determination.
These young leaders play for the love of the game, NOT pro contracts and endorsements. Both programs run Old School option attacks not pretty pro set offenses. It's football in its purest form. Moreover, the Tank would prefer that North American football get back it its roots with leather helmets like when President Ford played at Michigan. For those not familiar with President Ford's colege football days about 70 years ago, my proposed reforms would be closer to current leather rugby helmets. Metal helmets cause too many injuries and take away from the game. Football should be physical but not violent. Just ask paralyzed players like Darryl Stingley at the hands of Jack "They Call Me Assassin" Tatum.
Enough ranting, back to the Army-Navy game. The Tank wanted to go to Philadelphia today but uncertainty over availability on an office project kept me in New York.
Army took an early 7-0 lead. Navy counters and ties the score. Army holds the potent Naval attack to a 7-7 draw at halftime.
Navy unfortunately takes a 14-7 lead in the third quarter. Army gets the ball back and converts a key 3 and 8 play to keep the drive going but could not capitalize.
Army is plagued by second half mistakes with two interceptions and a missed field goal attempt.
Navy converts a late field goal to take a 17-7 lead in the fourth quarter.
Navy gets a late safety on Williams to take a 19-7 lead. Each team gets an additional late touchdown and the Naval Academy unfortunately wins 26-14.
Posted by a disappointed Tank in NY.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Only 1.5 Games from being the 3rd Seed in the Eastern Conference
November came and went and I think (and hope) that the Knicks weathered the storm with a 6-11 record. (The Knicks lost to Detroit Friday night to begin December on the wrong foot but the game was in Detroit who is still an Eastern Conference power.) Since all other teams in the Atlantic Division are below .500, the Knicks are only 1.5 games games behind the 5-9 Nets for the best record in the Atlantic Division which would make them the #3 Seed in the Eastern Conference. Granted the winner of a division should be above .500 but this is the Atlantic Division after all. If the Knicks don't win the division, they are only 1.5 games out of the 8th playoff seed. As Medford Bob often says, "you (The Tank) make lemonade out of lemons."
The Knicks also had the third best road record in the entire conference, 5-6, which is not bad after finishing home and away games with Western Conference powers Houston and San Antonio. Furthermore, the Knicks have a new coach in Isaiah Thomas and new players learning a new system.
Problem: To boot, the Knicks are saddled with Steve "Team Cancer" Francis, "Starbury", and Eddie Curry. I thought manning the Baseball Suicide Hotline and Corporate Crisis Hotline was bad enough; ESPN 1050 AM hosts Max Kellerman and Stephen A. Smith openly questioned the underperforming Knicks on their radio shows earlier this week. For instance, Kellerman preferred that Curry succumb "to a heart attack and die on the court" rather than not hustle on defense. Stephen A.'s critique was slightly less critical in promising to "crucify" Marbury if he ever refers to himself as "Starbury" ever again without backing it up.
Solution: The Tank almost witnessed the Knicks first home victory against the LeBron James and the Cavs a couple weeks ago in a close 102-96 loss. A couple of days later, Steve took his sister, Carol, and her children, Matthew and Allison, to the Knicks first and only home victory over the Wizards.
Since the Knicks have not yet accepted my earlier business plan to the Knicks owner James L. Dolan for my Danish friend Tina to travel back to the City as she witnessed the Knicks first home victory last season, I propose that Steve, his sister and her children be the Knicks official good luck charms. Under terms to be disclosed publicly at a later date, I have built in incentive clauses for each victory that Steve/Carol/Matthew/Allison attend that will ensure (1) happy Knicks fans and critics, (2) a fuller and more profitable Madison $quare Garden, and (3) the financial security of Steve, his loved ones, and The Tank, their fearless and reasonable agent. If the Knicks win five home games out of the next 34 home games this season, Matthew and Allison are going to be the earliest retirees in their grade school classes. Thundersticks for all their classmates.
Dear Mr. Dolan,
You are currently paying $62 million to players no longer on your team and thus they can not help you win. I have the "good luck charms" solution to help the Knicks win their home games, boost attendance and increase revenue for you. Please "focus" on the Knicks for a mere moment instead of your mid-life crisis rock band, accept the mutually beneficial terms (legalese not included to bore our beloved readers), and sign on the dotted line -- many thanks in advance.
Sincerely and Go Knicks!
The Tank
Posted by an anxious and hopeful Tank in NY.
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