If it is the second Sunday of the month, then it's time for the December installment of
Amateur Female Jello Wrestling, New York's premier sports satire, live from Arlene's Grocery on the Lower East Side.
Though it's great to see familiar faces like the Italian Princess of Power, the Extra Special Agent (ESA), and Captain Zorikh, there are several new wrestlers this evening as the word-of-mouth has spread. Arlene's Grocery is packed.
After the wrestlers practice their moves, Nathan, John, and the Tank set-up the kiddie pool and pour the jello.
Dana takes the mike to introduce the crowd to AFJW and thanks everyone for coming. Allan is the MC.
Resident DJ,
Moldover, will be playing on the 20th at SubAtomic. This guy is really good. If you have a chance to see him, you're in for a treat.
The Fire Flies are the opening act. The Fire Flies have been compared to "David Bowie and Flaming Lips having sex while listening to hip-hop". Yup, pretty accurate and darn good too.
MC Allan exalts that tonight is all about the ladies. However, in the spirit of equal time, it is hula-hoop time. Dana calls me up onto the stage. The Tank is one five contestants.
Devo's "Whip It" is a great hula hoop song. The Tank does slightly better than last month but doesn't make the final round like the 2005 "Antarctica Idol" Competition where I placed third. In the meantime, I'll stick to blogging and karaoke, NOT hula hooping.
With green hair and a red bow, The Parcel of Power, AKA Extra Special Agent from November's installment, versus the Italian Princess of Power. As always, the Princess has beer in hand like ECW's Sandman and promises to make the Parcel of Power sleep with the fishes.
Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let's get ready to Jello Wrestle! The matches are numbered below:
(1) After an early standstill, the Parcel of Power is flipped but not pinned. The Parcel of Power reverses and gets on top of the Italian Princess of Power. The Italian Princess of Power reverses and starts to slowly unwrap the Parcel of Power. Back and forth they go. The Parcel of Power is flipped over again and comes out of the ring. The Italian Princess of Power scores an arm bar. The Parcel of Power reverses into a roll around. The Italian Princess of Power goes for the tradition hair pull. The hair pull does NOT work because the Parcel of Power has shaved green hair in the spirit of the Season. The Italian Princess of Power somehow is able to pin the Parcel of Power in the corner of the kiddie pool.
(2) Santa's Little Helper versus first time Amateur Female Jello Wrestler Jezebel, the Tank is going with the traditional Biblical spelling of Jezebel though it maybe Jezzabel as I tried to clarify with her during the intermission but it was too loud. (My apologies if I misspelled it.)
Jezebel dives into the ring and gets Santa's Little Helper in a head lock.
Jezebel gets the crowd behind her. Jezebel lands on Santa's Little Helper. Is she pinned? Referee Dana checks and declares Jezebel the winner of the match.
(3) The third or Three Turtle Doves match features first-timers Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy versus Sandra Claus. They lock up in an arms to shoulders hold like Macho Man Randy Savage versus the Hulkster but that's where the similarity ends. They roll around and Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy gets the quick pin.
(4) Chocolate Thunder and Backhand Betty are two more first timers. Backhand Betty removes her wreath. Backhand Betty dives in between Chocolate Thunder's legs. Chocolate Thunder gets on top but Backhand Betty reverses. Chocolate Thunder gets a quick pin in the corner. As she promised in her pre-match comments, she was ready to rumble.
(5) Another first timer, Little Miss Succubus, versus Jezebel. Little Miss Succubus slips and Jezebel takes advantage. They are fast and furious; the fastest in the three matches I have covered and probably the fastest in the almost 30 years I have watched and covered professional and amateur wrestling. Jezebel executes a ferocious flying back pin and then a clothesline. They roll around and Jezebel tries to put her in a headlock and get the pin. Jezebel maybe a first time Amateur Female Jello Wrestling but she is well schooled in wrestling.
Jezebel wins but the crowd, including the Tank, wants a rematch.
(6) Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy versus the Hurricane. The trash talking starts even before they step in the ring.
The Hurricane flips Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy over and then executes a clothes line. Tinsel the Bohemian Fairy gets up and the Hurricane dives between her legs. Hurricane pins Tinsel. A post match reveres in them slipping and falling.
(7) The Brown Bunny versus the Italian Princess of Power. The Italian Princess of Power threatens to make "gravy" out of the Brown Bunny.
They lock up. The Brown Bunny dives between the Italian Princess of Power's legs. They roll around and the Brown Bunny spanks the Italian Princess of Power. They try to stand and the Brown Bunny almost slams the Italian Princess of Power like The Hulkster versus Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania. The Brown Bunny has the Italian Princess of Power's leg but she escapes. (The Hulkster never had to deal with jello and the subsequent slipping and sliding it causes.)
"Viva Italia" rings out from the crowd for the Italian Princess of Power followed by rabbit sounds for the Brown Bunny. The Italian Princess of Power slips through the Brown Bunny's legs. The Brown Bunny tries a reverse pin. The Brown Bunny tries to tickle the Italian Princess of Power's foot, a non-traditional wrestling move. They quickly settle back into a traditional Greco-Roman position in the middle of the ring. The Brown Bunny does
a side flip but it goes right back to a standoff as they both almost fall out of the ring. The Brown Bunny BB gets the Italian Princess of Power into the corner and wins the match.
In the post-match commentary, the Italian Princess of Power compares the Brown Bunny to the Energizer Bunny.
(8) Annie Rock is not only the Publicist for Amateur Female Jello Wrestling but also a wrestler. Annie will face none other than Founder and Referee Dana. They both pull each others pig tails. Moldover captures the move with Black Sabbath's "War Pigs".
Dana reverses but Annie Rock body slams Dana. Dana somehow gets out and slides under Annie Rock's legs. Annie Rock reverses Dana to the other side of the ring. Annie Rock wins her first match as her wrestling skills equal her booking ability.
(9) Chocolate Thunder versus Sandra Claus. Chocolate Thunder is smug going into the ring. They size each other up. They lock up and
Jane's Addiction classic "Been Caught Stealing" cranks. They both try the hair pull. Chocolate Thunder has Sandra Claus on her stomach but Sandra Claus kicks out.
Sandra Claus dives in but Chocolate Thunder rolls her over. They roll around and then quickly stand again. Moldover again aptly captures the mood with
Kool And The Gang's "Jungle Boogie". (Book this guy for your next party as he is on fire.) Chocolate Thunder spanks Sandra Claus. They again go for the hair pull.
Sandra Claus pins Chocolate Thunder but can't get a three count. Chocolate Thunder gets up and then is taken down again. Sandra Claus wins. Chocolate Thunder says that Christmas is once a year but chocolate is delicious year around.
(10) Annie Rock versus Backhand Betty. Backhand Betty falls but miraculously gets Annie Rock into a quick pin in the corner. Backhand Betty flips jello into the crowd and declares that she is going to Disneyland.
One of the Tank's favorites songs,
A-Ha's classic "Take On Me", pours out over the speakers.
(11) The Brown Bunny versus Dana. Dana goes for the hair pull. The Brown Bunny slams Dana. The Brown Bunny gets a quick pin. Two wins in a few moments. That has to be an AFJW record.
(12) In the last match of the open round before the Championship Round,
Valeze is going to perform during the final match. Please check out their video on the Media tab.
As the band plugs in, Allan and Dana promote next month's jello wrestling on Sunday, January 14 and the upcoming Co-Ed Crisco Disco Twister on Sunday, January 21. You know the Tank is going to be there. The Tank may not hula hoop well but he can dance.
A guy standing on a bar stool says he is going to buy an AFJW t-shirt for his Mom for Christmas. What a loving son! This guy should be son of the year!
Santa's Little Helper versus Little Miss Succubus. They roll around. Santa's Little Helper executes a flip. They pull each others hair and Little Miss Succubus dives in between Santa's Little Helper's legs. Little Miss Succubus reverses and gets the leg pin in the
corner.
“Valeze has got their feet firmly planted in Blondie’s footsteps. Fronted by classically-trained Tiffany Randol, this band (with their frenetic breakdowns and breathy vocals) will take you right back to Studio 54!” — NY Press
Tiffany looks like a 21 year old Gwen Stefani and sounds like Debbie Harry of Blondie. What a gifted singer. After the bands great performance, Tiffany stage dives into the kiddie pool. She rocks!
We're only halfway home and time to catch some air and checks my Blackberries. Steve unfortunately can't make it as he is preparing for a Microsoft keynote address on Tuesday. Good luck Steve!
Morgan makes it all sound great on the sound board.
DJ LoKey fills in for Moldover.
(13) The Championship Round begins with the Hurricane versus the Italian Princess of Power.
They lock up and the Hurricane flips the Italian Princess of Power. They both try to flip each other. The Italian Princess of Power is enraged after the Hurricane spanks her. MC Allan
asks the Brown Bunny who is going to win and the Brown Bunny thinks that the Hurricane will win. Santa's Little Helper is not sure. The Italian Princess of Power reverses and stays on her stomach. The Italian Princess of Power is a savvy wrestler. They stand and Dana instructs the wrestlers. They can't flip each other. They continue spanking and going into the corner. The Hurricane has the Italian Princess of Power in a head lock. The Italian Princess of Power breaks out but the Hurricane grabs the Italian Princess of Power's hair. The Hurricane somehow gets the Italian Princess of Power in a hold. The Hurricane goes to the new trick of tickling the Italian Princess of Power's feet. (Jezebel and Little Miss Succubus yell for toe sucking from the stage microphone. I can't make this stuff up.)
The Hurricane puts jello down the Italian Princess of Power's shorts. The Hurricane has the Italian Princess of Power in a reverse lock. The Italian Princess of Power won't yield nor submit. The Italian Princess of Power goes to the protective fetal position but the Hurricane gets the Italian Princess of Power in a toe lock. Both wrestlers go for the jello down the shorts trick. Two ladies to my left are yelling for the Italian Princess of Power to remove the Hurricane's wig. The Italian Princess of Power is pinned by the Hurricane in the far corner. This has to be the longest match of the evening.
(14) Jezebel versus Sandra Claus. Sandra Claus predicts "lots of foreplay" in her pre-match commentary. Jezebel has the height advantage. Jezebel turns her back and Sandra Claus goes right in. They roll around. Sandra Claus pins Jezebel but she kicks out.
Sandra Claus partially tears off Jezebel's white t-shirt. Jezebel reverses and gets the pin and win. Sandra Claus promises to return next month.
(15) Santa's Little Helper versus Backhand Betty. Santa's Little Helper gets the early
advantage but Backhand Betty reverses. They roll around. Santa's Little Helper tries a reverse back pin. Backhand Betty is on top but they exit the ring. Back Hand Betty is pinned down in the far corner and Santa's Little Helper wins. Backhand Betty promises to return next month.
Massive props to Mark the Trainer. Dana tries to recruit Kimberly for the next month.
(16) The Brown Bunny likes the "taste and feel of jello". Annie Rock versus the Brown Bunny. Dana reveals that Jaga (sp?) needs to be married to stay in the country. This sounds like the Tank's last girlfriend earlier this year. No, I did not marry her. The Tank considers helping Jaga but wants to avoid the emotional train wreck of a relationship as officially deemed by MTA Ray, my subway motorman roommate. After the matches, the Tank does offer to help Jaga and she has a job and a boyfriend who will marry her. Good news! More on my relationship issues as we head towards Valentine's Day. You haven't read anything yet. Buckle up!
Back to the match, Annie Rock flips the Brown Bunny. The Brown Bunny pushes Annie Rock. They reverse and the Brown Bunny is quick and true to her name. TheBrown Bunny slams Annie Rock. They collide in the middle of the ring. The Brown Bunny and Annie Rock Stand back up and the Brown Bunny flips AR. While "Walk Like An Egyptian" plays, the Brown Bunny hooks Annie Rock's leg for the pin and win.
(17) Chocolate Thunder versus Little Miss Succubus. They also roll out of the ring. They stand and Thunder connects on the clothesline. They roll into the near corner. Chocolate Thunder body slams Little Miss Succubus. Fast and furious. Chocolate Thunder throws down Little Miss Succubus. Little Miss Succubus is somehow able to pin Chocolate Thunder but she kicks out. Chocolate Thunder pulls Little Miss Succubus to the near corner. Chocolate Thunder tries a reverse back pin. They roll out of the ring and Dana gets them back in the center of the ring. They collide and the Little Miss Succubus rolls out to the near corner. Little Miss Succubus has Chocolate Thunder on her stomach but not a win.
MC Allan asks Backhand Betty who will win and Backhand Betty put her money on the Underground, Little Miss Succubus. Chocolate Thunder tries a body slam to the near corner. They reverse and the scrum is on. Chocolate Thunder pulls Little Miss Succubus down. Little Miss Succubus tries another back pin but Chocolate Thunder rolls out. Chocolate Thunder gets Little Miss Succubus in a choke hold. Because of the fast and furious action, the ring has moved diagonally.
The Italian Princess calls for the Last Rites and blesses both wrestlers from the stage as Dana warns Chocolate Thunder against an illegal lock hold. Chocolate Thunder goes for the traditional hair pull. Little Miss Succubus tries for a reverse back pin. They have to go back to the middle again. MC Allan wonders if the US will be out of Iraq before the end of this match. It could be a new Hundred Years War.
Chocolate Thunder embraces Little Miss Succubus in a hold and slams her to the far ring.
Chocolate Thunder gets the pin and win. Whoa, my thumbs are about to fall off from typing on my Blackberry.
(18) Jezebel versus the Hurricane. The Hurricane is nowhere to be found. While the search is on for the Hurricane, Dana interviews an enthusiastic newcomer who promises to wrestle next month.
The Hurricane finally appears. She blows into the ring and dives between Jezebel's legs. Jezebel escapes the Hurricane's hold. They exit the ring. The Hurricane goes for Jezebel's legs. Jezebel has the Hurricane on her stomach to wear her down. Jezebel tries to turn her shoulder for the pin. Jezebel stands up but the Hurricane goes for her leg again. Jezebel falls on the Hurricane and pins her.
(19) Santa's Little Helper versus the Brown Bunny. The WWE may have the Armageddon Pay-Per-View but Amateur Female Wrestling has Christmas versus Easter. WWE has nothing on AFJW.
Santa's Little Helper executes the clothesline. The Brown Bunny goes for Santa's Little Helper's hair. The Brown Bunny flips Santa's Little Helper. Back and forth they go. Santa's Little Helper body slams the Brown Bunny. The Brown Bunny spears Santa's Little Helper like Goldberg used to in the WCW.
The Brown Bunny tries a reverse back pin. Santa's Little Helper escapes and tries a choke
hold. Santa's Little Helper tries a half nelson but the Brown Bunny escapes. Santa's Little Helper goes for the full body ring.
Remember, Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister Night on Sunday, January 21.
(20) Chocolate Thunder versus an eliminated opponent. Little Miss Succubus left but it is
time for the Italian Princess of Power to redeem herself.
Who will win? Chocolate Thunder's strength or the Italian Princess of Power's
experience. The Italian Princess of Power gets Chocolate Thunder in the near corner. Chocolate Thunder reverses out while
Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" comes on.
They lock up and Chocolate Thunder goes for the hair pull. Chocolate Thunder tries a body slam. The Italian Princess of Power reverses to the far corner and pins her. The Italian Princess of Power advances to the championship match.
In post-match commentary, Chocolate Thunder says it "hurts the first time" but promises to return on January 14. The Italian Princess of Power acknowledges her luck. Forza Italia!
(21) Jezebel versus Santa's Little Helper. Jezebel falls off the stage but is thankfully okay. Jezebel removes her boots and enters the ring. Santa's Little Helper goes for a quick pin in the far corner and gets it. Jezebel also promises to return next month.
(22) And now, for the match we have all been waiting for, The Championship Match: The Italian Princess of Power versus Santa's Little Helper. The Fire Flies retake the stage. DJ Lokey, Morgan, the Tank (no, thank you), and the rest of the hard work team are thanked for our efforts.
The Italian Princess of Power and Santa's Little Helper lock up and the quickly roll around for the advantage. Santa's Little Helper rolls over the Italian Princess of Power unto her back. Amazing! The traditional hair pulling resumes and then embrace in a bear hold. Santa's Little Helper goes for a pin but it doesn't count. Santa's Little Helper throws jello. The Italian Princess of Power retaliates. The Italian Princess of Power goes for the far corner pin. They stand and Santa's Little Helper scores the clothesline and pin. Santa's Little Helper is the December Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Champion.
In the post-match commentary, the Tank is grateful to get his photo with the champion, Santa's Little Helper.
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As Tank leaves Arlene's Grocery, Alessandro gives the Tank a great business card idea of a military Tank inside aquarium tank. John and Kurt also give good ideas. Steve and I will have to discuss these great ideas for our business card.
The Tank's next stop is the post-Amateur Female Jello Wrestling party at the Delancey Bar on the north side of Delancey Street next to the Brooklyn Bridge. The Tank is grateful to Captain Zorikh for the invitation. Captain Zorikh appeared as Rudy is the Red Rabbling Rousing Reindeer. Jolie Voltaire appeared as Happy the Proletarian Worker Elf.
Captain Zorikh and the
Doom Maidens put on a show that has to be seen to be believed.
Until the next Amateur Female Jello Wrestling on Sunday, January 14, Happy Holidays and New Year to all!