Steve and the Tank! - Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Tank is back to report on the world's premier sports satire, Amateur Female Jello Wrestling (AFJW) live from Arlene's Grocery on the Lower East Side. Tonight is a little emotional as it is the last time at Arlene's. The February 11th show will be at Don Hills which is a great club but Arlene's is a very special place with some extra special personal memories.

In addition to the emotion, the Tank is battling a killer headache after going out Saturday night for Julian/Old Calendar New Year's as there as 13 days difference between the Calendars. The Tank's New Year Eve's started Saturday night at Jim Breuer's Comedy Steel concert, then the Zlatne Uste (Golden Lips) Balkan Brass Band festival, and ended up at a Queens restaurant. He is feeling groggy not because of alcohol (only a glass of white wine) but he is allergic to the cigarette smoke from most of the guests who were smoking more than chimneys. Anyway, as Medford Bob says, I made lemons out of lemonade and had a good time so I am not going to rat the restaurant out to Mayor Bloomberg and the Cigarette Smoking Police. Speaking of Medford Bob, where is here? I returned his Saturday voice mail with a text message on Saturday evening.

Back to the show, jello wrestling has been growing by leaps and bounds thanks to great readers like you and the article by journalist colleague, Ms. Michelle Nichols, recent Reuters article.

Before the show begins, the Tank helps pour the 50 gallons of vegan jello. I am not only a journalist/blogger/historian, but I also pull my weight to help the show be a success. Don't let the looks deceive you, jello wrestling is fun but there is hard work involved. Before the show begins, the Tank and Captain Zorikh exchanges respectful martial arts bows as Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Founder, the fearless Dana Sterling, gives the pre-match briefing.

Captain Zorikh appears tonight as the Ninja Master. The Ninja Master is managing the Black and Blue Ninja (AKA The Gladiatrix, Jolie Voltaire).

It's also great to see the Italian Princess of Power. Her Majesty wanted to dispel her beer drinking notion in the December post and pledges her allegiance to wine. Her motto is "Vino Vedi Vinci" (Italian to English Translation: "I saw, I drank wine, I conquered.") Bellisima!

As for the new faces, The Tank is honored to meet Jessica whose boyfriend Matt writes for
KissingSuzyKolber. Jessica will appear later in the promo for Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister.

The Tank settles into his ringside position to report action along side his French Television 1 (or "Television Francaise Une" for fans of "Talladega Nights" Jean Girard, AKA Borat, AKA Sacha Baron Cohen, etc.). The Tank introduces himself in French to Pascal, the French Television cameraman, and his wife, Martine. "Bonjour, Je m'appelle le Tank. J'ai e'tude Francais par quartre ans en l'ecole secondaire. Aussi, mon pere a habite a Paris par quatre ans." (French to English Translation: "Hello, My name is the Tank. I studied French for four years in high. My Dad also lived in Paris for four years.) . Pascal: "De vous connaitre." (French to English Translation: "Pleased to meet you.")

The doors open and Arlene's fills up quickly as there lots of new faces in the crowd. Why can't the United Nations be as harmonious as jello wrestling? Instead of Don Hills, we should take the show to Turtle Bay. I hope "The Dude" is in the crowd so we can make progress in Middle Eastern - United States negotiations, AKA another example of "Tankplomacy". Where is PermaGuest Outlaw Jack to introduce me Kai, the Self-Proclaimed "German Porn King"?

Allen and Chris are the witty and erudite announcers.

El Jezel starts the show. They want to be known as the "The Sexually Promiscous El Jezel". As long as the lead singer wears a Smith's shirt and keeps playing great music, Morrissey, Steve, and the Tank are proud of you and you can call yourselves whatever you want.

My cousin calls me and reports the Chargers lost 24-21. You've got to be kidding me. First the Bears and now the Patriots. The Chargers were leading 21-13 when the Tank got to Arlene's about 30 minutes ago. Damn you Rex Grossman! You are definitely getting my hair restoration bill. I don't know if I should sue the Chargers or Patriots in a "Tank" action lawsuit.

The band played on as the crowd starts to drink heavily as the next day is a holiday. Happy Martin Luther King Day everyone!

In the spirit of equal time, the Tank, Steve (no relation), Patrick, Josh, and Chris are called to the stage to participate in the male hoola hoop contest. The Tank doesn't fare too well in the hoola hoop contest and tells everyone that he'll stick to blogging.  Josh hacky sacks the hoola hoop to first place ahead of the Tank, Steve (no relation), and Patrick. However, Chris upsets him and is the Amateur Male Hoola Hoop Champion.

Jessica and Matt perform "Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister" theme and their footage is here. Good News: The camera shot was closer and steadier than when I ran down the stairs from my seat at the Garden at the now infamous Knicks-Nuggets Fight on December 16, 2006. Bad News: My memory card filled up and the battery died at the same time. Sorry, Jessica and Matt. Anyway, it's a catchy tune that you will never ever get out of your head. Moreover, you can watch Jessica, Matt, the Tank, and the rest of Team Jello light up the dance floor at Arlene's next Sunday, January 21. Do capezios come in the Tank's size? :-)

Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to jello wrestle!

(1) Veteran jello wrestler Italian Princess of Power brings hot pepper to the ring to ward off evil spirits versus the first time jello wrestler The Sicilian Ripper Cuntess of Cruelty. Hey kids, I can't make this stuff up and I spelled checked her name during the break. And yes, her band scares even me and I've listened to lots of music.

What a way to start! Power versus Cruelty. They lock up. Power shoots in. They lock up on their knees. Cruelty gets up like the Hulkster shaking off his opponents year in matches long gone by. Power clotheslines Cruelty. Power then pins Cruelty but she kicks out. They both get back on their feet. Cruelty flips over Power and tries for the pin but is unsuccessful. Power spins around and squirms away. Power then flips Cruelty and gets the pin.

Cruelty takes the high road. Power's friend Amy holds up the "Viva Italia" signs. Power makes another opponent "sleep with the fishes".

(2) The Tigerrr wants to make "the woman submit." The other woman is none other than fellow first timer, the Barracuda. The Barracuda says that size does not matter as she is much shorter than the Tigerrr. The Barracuda goes on the offensive quickly and pulls the Tigerrr's hair. The Barracuda falls down, gets up quickly, and then surprisingly clotheslines the Tigerrr. The Barracuda gets the quick pin.

In the post-match commentary, the Tigerrr explains her secret strategy and David thinks "She's Great!". "Tony the Tiger" is somewhere smiling. The Barracuda says she is "an equal opportunity ass kicker".

The Ninja Master tries to recruit the Tigerrr into his Pan Asia Axis of Destruction. The Ninja Master is the master of "ironic parody of demeaning Japanese stereotype". The Ninja Master may be misunderstood by some but a creative character genius in the Tank's book.

(3) The Portuguese Princess of Pain (Princess) versus Ice Queen (Queen). The Queen is also Santa's Little Helper and champion from December. The Ice Queen is a personal favorite of the Tank as he portrayed "Frosty the Snowman" to cheer up his colleagues in December 2001 at our downtown Manhattan office just south of Ground Zero. Go Frosty and the Ice Queen!

This royal showdown gets off to a quick start as the Queen clotheslines the Princess and then flips her. The Princess then jumps through her legs. The Queen takes the Princess down. The Queen grabs her the Princess' leg. The Princess reverses around the Queen's back. The Queen flips the Princess. The Princess slams the Queen's head into the plastic ring.

The Princess beats the Queen. What an upset! Darn it!

(4) The next match starts as DJ Extraordinaire Moldover plays a mix of Blondie's "Tainted Love".

The Black and Blue Ninja (Ninja) speaks in Japanese and the Ninja Master translates that she will "kick her booty".

The French camera crew briefly interviews Dana. "I wrestled once in college." (English to French Translation: "J'ai lutté par le passé dans l'université.")

New comer Pinga Rosa (Rosa) gets off to a fast start in tearing off the Ninja's hair and pulls her air. Ninja counters but Rosa spanks her. They somehow get in ninjitsu or Position 4 per David.

Rosa kicks out. Rosa then goes for the Three Stooges eye poke. Rosa reverses and gets the pin.

David or Allen describe The Ninja Master as the "blue eyed Aryan boy who washes up on the shores of Okinawa." The Ninja Master is shamed, scolds the Black and Blue Ninja Master, and goes to the back and mediate on this.

In her post-match commentary, Pinga Rosa thanks and loves her fans.

Allen and David ask audience member Allison to wrestle February 11 at Don Hills. There are also shameless promos for the AFJW t-shirt which are only $10. Yes, of course, the Tank bought another shirt which actually fits him this time after the show was over. I'll probably give the smaller shirt I bought back in October to AFJW fan and friend Linda for her birthday in June. :-)

(5) The Brown Bunny (Bunny) threatens to eat anything in her way. New comer Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly) who threatens to beat the snot out of the Bunny. Deadly looks sweet and innocent in her Catholic School Girl outfit.

Deadly gets off to a quick start and pulls the Bunny's hair. The Bunny goes for the whip. The Bunny turns Deadly over. It's a draw. The Bunny tips Deadly over. Deadly miraculously reverses and gets on top. The Bunny reverses, goes for the pin, and wins.

The Brown Bunny is grateful for deflowering Deadly Dolores Hayes.

Jade and Joe are doing a great job at the bar. Danny is the sound guy. Annie Rocks is rocking with publicity and booking awesome bands, and Mark is the towel boy.

(6) The Italian Princess of Power (Power) versus the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain). Who will win? Portugal versus Italy. It's a good men's soccer showdown and an even better jello wrestling showdown between two princesses. Power scores a quick take down. Pain then throws down Power as Moldover cranks a great mix of Peter Gabriel's "Big Time".

Pain clotheslines Pain. Pain gets up. Power gets cornered. Amy cheers "Viva Italia" on while Power's head is in the corner. Power tried to pin her on the back.

While Pain pins the Princess, Moldover throws on Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up".

Pain enjoys the glory but calls an end to her brief but distinguished jello wrestling career as her band "Man in Gray" is about to hit the stage. Talk about multi-tasking. By the way, Pain looks like Karen-O's (of the "Yeah Yeah Yeahs") younger sister.

(7) The Tigerrr versus the Black and Blue Ninja (Ninja). The Tigerrr is all business and exclaims "the white girl lied". It's not "rice" but lice".

The Ninja Master promises to the Ninja's honor will be avenged.

The Tigerrr strikes a yogic poses and the stare each other down like the Matrix fight scene. They lock up and quickly roll around. The Tigerrr kicks out. They both slip and fall. The Ninja applies a reverse choke hold and then slams the Tigerrr's head into the ring. They then fall into a Kama sutra position according to David. (I am blogging and enjoying the view. The Tank can multi-task.

The Ninja then gives her the "Kiss of Death" and scores of the win.

They are true sportwoman and shake hands.

However, in post-match commentary, the Tigerrr threatens to kick David's ass and David doesn't mind. He's had "too many quarters".

The Ninja Master speaks up for the Pan Asian Alliance. "You get the idea"

(8) Wearing the #24 Wisconsin Viking Team jersey, Pinga Rosa (Rosa) versus the Sicilian Ripper Cuntess of Cruelty (Cruelty).

Rosa pushes Cruelty down. Rosa pulls Cruelty's hair. Cruelty kicks out. They martial arts moves that would kick Bruce Lee's butt. Rosa clotheslines Cruelty, executes the vaunted arm bar, and throws down Cruelty. Rosa gets back up and get back up.

Cruelty somehow pins Rosa on the far side.

(9) Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly) versus the Barracuda.

They lock up and Deadly takes the Barracuda. Deadly pulls her hair and then Barracuda takes off her hair tie. Deadly gets the pin in the far corner.

Deadly can "fish and fry it up". The Barracuda promises to return.

(10) During the final match of the opening round, "Man in Gray" will be performing musically led by front woman the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain).

The Ice Queen (Queen) faces the Brown Bunny (Bunny). The Bunny slides through the Queen's legs. The Bunny gets on top. The Queen is down and tries to stand up but the Bunny tries a full nelson.

They roll out of the ring. They stand back up. The Bunny flips the Queen. The Queen escapes the pin. The Queen tries a half nelson. They get back up and the Queen shoots in. They again fall out of the ring and almost onto the Tank. "Ladies, Keep It In the Ring!" Dana is a great referee and "mother of all the jello wrestlers" but the Bunny and Queen can wrestle as close as possible to the Tank anytime inside or out of the ring. :-)

The rest is a blur as I experience sensory overload.

The Bunny wins by pin fall.

During the break, the Tank gets some air. The camera are warm and wearing a red, white, and blue feather boa doesn't cool me either. The Tank talks to the jello wrestlers. The Italian Princess of Power is amazing as she can drink, smoke cigarettes, and wrestle at the highest level. What an athlete!

Point of protocol: I verbally address her as the Italian Princess of Power but use Power for sake of brevity and keeping my carpal tunnel to a minimum.

We all go back inside in the nick of time for the Championship Round

(11) As the Champion round is about to begin, the Ninja Master "ordered sake and Sapporo and got Jack Daniels and Pabst Blue Ribbon, which is the bar special."

The Black and Blue Ninja (Ninja) takes her spot kneeling in the ring (kiddie pool).

After getting liquored up, he is now the drunken ninja master. As he expresses his bad karaoke "Wo, wo, feelings", the mike is unfortunately pulled from him. The Tank can sadly relate to being a victim of karaoke discrimination during last summer's trip to Australia at the hands of an angry Japanese expatriate. The Ninja Master and the Tank are kindred spirits for freedom of speech regardless of how others many dislike against our musical gift. You may soon see the Tank and the Ninja Master perform at Arlene's Monday Night karaoke.

Before she enters the ring, the Ice Queen (Queen) has new management led by a P Egghead III (young Boy Georgish look-a-like) as her manager and Natasha as her valet in the best traditions of the late, great Miss Elizabeth, R.I.P. of the WWF (now WWE).

After all the posturing, the Ninja throws the Queen down. The Queen flips the Ninja. The Ninja reverses and rolls out. How did the Ninja execute the "Cartwheel of Death"? Remember, cartwheels are hard but even harder in a plastic kiddie pool filled with jello and facing the Queen, the defending Amateur Female Jello Wrestling Champion.

The Ninja puts the Queen in a side head lock. The Ninja pulls the Queen's hair, pulls
her up, and then falls down. The Ninja goes in between the Queen's leg. The Ninja slams the Queen down. The Queen gets a leg lock around the torso. The Queen pins the Ninja. Yeah!

In her post-match commentary, the Ninja is outraged. She suddenly speaks fluent English. The Ninja flips the Queen in poor sportsmanship.

The Tank reminds everyone of the February 11 event at Don Hills and plugs http://www.steveandthetank.com/

(12) The Tigerrr versus Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly). Deadly flips the Tigerrr. The Tigerrr gets up.but then they both begin to slip and slide. The Tigerrr pulls Deadly's pig tails to the ground. David says Deadly "is used to being on her knees".

After Deadly pulls the Tigerrr by her hair, Allen yells that Deadly has the "Tigerrr by the Tail". Deadly wins.

In post-match commentary, the Tigerrr says that she "like being on bottom".

In response, Deadly says that "the Tigerrr was nothing but a pussycat".

Battling nausea and overwork from getting the daily job website going this morning, Steve finally arrives.

(13) The Brown Bunny (Bunny) versus the Barracuda.

The Bunny promises to make promises quick work of the Barracuda. The Barracuda admonishes her fellow women to "get off the fence and get in the f*King ring".

The match gets off to a quick start as they jump through each others legs. They roll around. The Barracuda tries to pull the Bunny for the ear pull.

The Bunny tries for the pin. They roll around and then get back up. The Barracuda side flips the Bunny to her knees. Whoa, the Bunny slam and she then gets the pin.

The Barracuda is going home but promises to return to reclaim her crown.

David says that the Bunny is "No foo foo but a foo fighter".

Props to Orly (Sp?) for great sign writing.

(14) The Italian Princess of Power (Power) versus Ping Rosa (Rosa). Power goes back to her natural color shorts in hopes of reversing her fortunes.

Rosa says she is the real princess and shows she star underwear.

The Power criticizes Rosa's Wisconsin accent. The trash talking and clothing has gone to another level. Allen remarks that this is "the moon, star, and the sun" match.

Rosa is in the air and Power goes down. Power gets a clothesline.

Rosa tries for the back pin. They grapple and roll around. Rosa goes for a Jiujutsu style pretzel. UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Chuck "The Ice Man" Liddell should be afraid, very afraid.

Power is getting slammed into the ground. Power somehow throws Rosa. Rosa mounts Power from behind. Rosa hooks a leg but Power reverses. Rosa rolls out and gives her a wedgie. Oh My God, a wedgie. This is a jello wrestling first for the Tank. (Lucky Steve got it on film.)

Power goes for the leg neck lock. Wow! Rosa tries to apply the Figure Four mastered by the man on my t-shirt, Rick "The Nature Boy" Flair. Power somehow kicks out and pins Rosa.

In addition to being a well trained martial artist, Rosa is a good sport. Allen exclaims that "Man that should have been my strategy in 5th Grade!"

Power boasts that "The Power of the Princess will be unleashed.

(15) The Sicilian Ripper Cuntess of Cruelty (Cruelty) versus Man In Gray front woman the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain).

Allen and the Tank immediately recognize Moldover going for the Jaws record. I think few others do.

They lock up. Pain pulls the Cruelty's hair and slams her. David or Allen remark that "Pain is dancing to cruelty's pleasure".

Pain gets Cruelty into the corner but she rolls out. They stand up. David exclaims that "They take a ticking and a licking."

Pain slams Cruelty.

Clothes comes off. Cruelty's bra comes off and Pain gets the pin. "Not only is she an amazing singer but she can wrestler.".

According to her post match commentary, "The Cuntess lost her power" after she lost her bra.

In her post match commentary, Pain "loves the Co-Ed Crisco Twister." Instead of going to work tomorrow, David, Allen, and the rest of the crowd convince Pain to stay. Allen replies that "it is so not rock and roll" to go to work tomorrow.

David is proudly wearing his Amateur Female Jello Wrestling shirt. "It guarantees getting laid by two beautiful women" (at least while wearing the shirt in bed). Don't get the Tank too excited. :-)

(16) In the "Narnia" match, the Ice Queen (Queen) versus Deadly Dolores Hayes (Deadly).

Deadly "says she'll finish the Ice Queen off like her algebra homework.".

They lock up and grab each other by wrists. Moldover seemingly reads the Tank's musical mind and cranks out Metallica's "Master of Puppets".

The Queen is on top and then throws her against the side of the ring. Deadly pushes back.

The Queen pulls Deadly by her pigtails. The Queen then grabs her wrist and then gets the pin.

David or Allen exclaim "Long Live the Queen"! Here, here the Tank thinks to himself. Okay, my journalistic integrity is out the window but this isn't the BBC. "Je suis maintenant Français. (I am now French).

Deadly promises to return. "Now that I've been deflowered, I'll return on February 11."

"Will God Save the Queen?" as she goes to the championship match.

(17) The Brown Bunny had to leave so the Barracuda gets a second chance. The Italian Princess of Power wonders "if the bunny was doping"

Power now calls on her "Wedgie resolve" and tells Allen that "You are correct sir".

Who will win? Size or speed. Experience versus youth.

Pulls her back. The Barracuda goes down under the weight of the Power. Allen remarks that "the Barracuda is swimming against the current."

Powers slams Barracuda and gets the pin in the far corner.

"The fish has been sauteed, put in the pasta, and eaten" David said.

Power glows in her victory but is afraid of Crisco as she is "a extra olive oil".

(18) In the wild card match, the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain) versus Dana Sterling. Since Dana is the regular referee, it is officiated by a woman drinking beer.

They link up and stare each other down.

"Dana goes down" and out of the ring. Dana takes off her shirt. They throw jello at each other. Dana goes for the hair pull and smashes her against the side of the ring.

Moldover cranks the "Tainted Love" beat.

David exclaims that Pain is "buried alive in the half inch of jello."

Dana clotheslines Pain and body slams here. Pain kicks out.

"The rocker always win". Annie Rocks says but cheers for Dana.

Pain gets the pin from behind but only gets a two count. Pain side flips Dana. Dana gets up but Pain gets the win.

In her post match commentary, "I guess rock and roll beats jello" Dana said.

The team fixes the mattresses under kiddie pool. Colin and Jessica. Intimate orange.

(19) The Italian Princess of Power versus the Ice Queen.

Allen asks "Your majesty, can you freeze the Ice Queen."

The Ice Queen replies that "I'll give her frostbite. It'll be a snow job."

The Italian Princess of Power is afraid but powered by peroni and pasta. She is the "Princess of Pasta".

The Power declares "your (David) brain was off to begin with."

The Queen rolls out as Stevie Wonder comes on. Slow-mo jello wrestling, hair pull, and toss. Power puts jello down the Queen's shorts.

Allen remarks that the match is moving at "glacial speed". :-)

Even the announcers go slow-mo.

The Queen gets a full nelson and Power kicks out. The Queen is on top and pins the IPP.

David taunts Power but Power replies that "at least I got to feel her boobs and you didn't". Power 1, David, The Tank, and Everyone Else 0.

Power advises "Allen, you need to eat pasta".

(20) The Ice Queen (Queen) versus the Portuguese Princess of Pain (Pain).

"The sexually promiscuous El Jezel" will play the championship.

They lock up and Pain flips the Queen. This is a much faster match. They stand up and Power slams the Queen down.

Pain side tosses the Queen. The Queen reverses. The band kicks in.

The Queen scores a clothesline. "The Queen is on top!" David or Allen shout.

They roll around. The Queen grabs her from the side and the Queen tries for the pin. Pain kicks out. They stand as Dana gives them instruction.

Pain dives between the Queen's legs. The Queen flips. They stand again. Pain scores a
clothesline. The Queen slams Pain. Pain goes for the hair pull. They bear hug.

While on the outside of the ring, "Is the Queen down?". The Portuguese Princess of Pain gets the win.

"Just wait til next time" the Queen says.

Her manager quickly changes alliance.

"All girls should get in the pit. I can wrestle, do a concert, and wrestle some more." Pain says.

In the post-match interview, the Tank agrees with the Queen that the result was controversial.

Happy Martin Luther King Junior (R.I.P.) Day to you and yours!

Until next week at Co-Ed Disco Crisco Twister, "Au revoir, mes amis." You can also look for the Tank at Chinese New Year in Chinatown next month. I am trying to be one of the dancing dragons. :-)

Posted by Steve And The Tank live from Amateur Female Jello Wrestling at Arlene's Grocery at 95 Stanton Street on the Lower East Side.

Jello Wrestling | Live! | NFL

Monday, January 15, 2007 6:49:48 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Strahan Lottery

As I went to buy a newspaper from a bodega in my neighborhood the other day, I remarked to the storekeeper who happened to be a foreign born man of Arab descent that Michael Strahan's wife Jean happened to be going to Disneyworld according to the newspaper headline.

He innocently asked me if she won the lottery, I replied yes though in a different way. She won $15.3 million plus child support in the Michael Strahan Divorce Lottery (I mean Settlement).

Best wishes to Michael for a speedy recovery from his 2006 injuries for himself, the 2007 Giants, and making child support payments.

Posted by The Tank.

NFL

Sunday, January 14, 2007 4:55:05 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Saturday, January 13, 2007

Rocket Returning to the Yankees?

Will Roger "The Rocket" Clemens return to the Yankees?

The Tank has been encouraged by recent reports in local New York and the Internet.

According to ESPN's Buster Olney, the main stumbling block appears to be going home in between starts as he did with the Astros to spend more time with his family.

The Yankees appear to be willing to concede this point. The Tank is hopeful that Clemens return to the Yankees for the following reasons:

(1) His experience, especially pitching in New York, and Baseball Hall of Fame (BHOF) resume.
(2) Pitching with his best friend Andy Pettitte can only make them happier and better.
(3) Clemens makes everybody (including Pettitte) work harder, especially important for the future of the training of the young crop of pitchers like Wang, Hughes, Karstens, Rasner, Sanchez, etc.

Since fellow BHOFer Randy Johnson is traded to Arizona, Clemens has a good chance of getting this unique concession because Pettitte wouldn't ask for it and neither would Mussina.

Please keep saying the prayers, eating the vitamins, and lighting the candles for the Rocket's return to the Yankees.

Posted by a hopeful Tank.

MLB

Saturday, January 13, 2007 6:14:50 PM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Friday, January 12, 2007

NFL Divisional Playoff Picks

The Tank was 4-0 in last week's picks to start the post season, touch wood.

For new readers, my picks are designed for you to win the highest number of games in your office pool which are normally predicated on wins and losses, NOT the Vegas line. I do not bet Vegas lines because they are subject to change and Vegas knows more than everyone except God. Furthermore, Vegas lines are designed for the "vig" or the balance of the betting money which is why you sometimes see ridiculous double-digit lines to get people to take chances and care about potential blowouts. Whereas, I want you to win your office pool and be the talk of your office based on won-loss record.

Remember, bet within your limits, past performance is not indicative of future results (mutual fund speak legalese disclaimer), and have fun. The predicted winning team is in bold.

The Eagles will try to avenge their 27-24 loss at the Saints on October 15. Sorry, my Eagles friends like Coach Emily, Jennifer, and Lisa, it's hard to pick against the Saints, especially at home.

The Patriots got their revenge against the Jets last week. The Patriots are always tough with Brady and Belichick but at 21st Century LT and the Chargers.

The Ravens have home field advantage but the Colts are coming off a good performance, especially on run defense. The Colts were my AFC pre-season Super Bowl pick so I guess I have to dance with them (in a figurative way of course) and they have a better offense.

In the hardest game to pick in the weekend, the Seahawks were my NFC pre-season Super Bowl pick so I guess I have to dance with them figuratively as well. The Bears are at home but Rex Grossman recently admitted not being prepared enough for the last regular season game against the Packers. He may over prepare and think for this game to compensate. Furthermore, he still maybe hung over from celebrating the Gators Monday night BCS win. Grossman has been so inconsistent that I can not figure them out and it is accelerating my hair loss. Darn you Rex, you better pay for my hair transplant. The Seahawks in a close one.

Posted by the Tank.

NFL

Friday, January 12, 2007 2:41:55 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Medford Bob Says...

So, I'm sitting in my local Ruby Tuesday's at the bar having a burger and watching football. Texas is playing Iowa and the game is pretty good. We're in the fourth quarter and the Longhorns are down 21-20 when they march down the field and score a touchdown to take a 26-21 lead. They miss the two point conversion and kick off to Iowa. The Hawkeyes (heavy underdogs) get the ball back in decent position and start to march back the other way. Suddenly, I'm staring at a flag draped coffin. I've heard of sudden death but this is ridiculous. I ask the bartender what's going on and she says the manager says we have to watch 15 minutes of President Ford's funeral and then they'll turn on the Giants game. Now if they turned down the music and turned up the sound on the TV it might have made some sense but staring at a flag draped coffin while Judas Priest was blasting "Breakin' the Law" over the sound system tipped my weird meter. Check please!

Anyway, college football is over for the year. Finally. Can't say I was surprised that Florida won the title game. Especially after watching So. Cal take Michigan apart in the Rose bowl. Started me to thinking that maybe the Big Ten wasn't all that. And the bowl games sorta proved that. Conference record was 2-5. Hardly the dominant conference they claimed to be. And really, after Boise State and Oklahoma, was there any point in playing anymore games? Ever? Talk about old school. Game was seriously off the hook. It was like watching "Citizen Kane" and everything after that was "Snakes on a Plane".

The votes are in. Ripkin and Gwynn are in the Hall of Fame. They deserved it. McGwire is not. There was a poll on Yahoo which asked if Mac deserved to be left out because he was a cheater and 61% said yes. But cheated on what? We knew he took andro (it wasn't banned then) and suspected steroids (also not banned then) so what the hell was he cheating about? Stupid, maybe. Bad judgment? Time will tell. But this smacks of the PC police imposing their opinion based on supposition and innuendo. Maybe we should look at Babe Ruth again for being an alcoholic AND a SMOKER!!! Mickey Mantle did a LOT of speed. Casey Stengel was a thief. Throw the bums out I say. But wait, what did Big Mac really do? Oh, yeah, hit 583 home runs and pulled baseball out of a death roll instigated by greed and selfishness. He didn't lie to Congress. And even if he did, who cares? It creates personal problems for himself but has NOTHING to do with his baseball stats. Should he be an ambassador for the game and a roll model for kids? Two words. Ty Cobb!!! And that racist redneck is in. Simple fact of life. You can't break a rule if the rule isn't there. And, at the time, these weren't. Sportswriters forget their real job is to look at the baseball record, judge it against others and make a decision based on that. Where has he been the last two years? Out of baseball and living his life. Not the first guy to disappear. Remember Ted Williams? Great hitter, turd of a human being. Totally dropped out after his playing days. First ballot Hall of Famer. What about Pete Rose you say? I guess you didn't pay attention. Pete broke the rules. McGwire didn't. Does he deserve to get in? I say yes.

And speaking of turds, Randy Johnson was traded to Arizona. I say "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." Watching him pitch was like trying to get back together with an old girlfriend. You could see why you liked her in the first place but then you are immediately reminded of why you wanted her to leave. Made me pine for Kevin Brown sometimes.

Kudos to the Jets for a really nice season. And memo to the Giants: YOU ARE WHAT YOUR RECORD SAYS YOU ARE!

Tiki, we hardly knew ye!

………….Till next time.

Posted by The Tank and Written by Medford Bob.

College Football | Medford Bob Says | MLB | NFL

Thursday, January 11, 2007 9:15:04 PM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Goose Gets Closer

Since Tuesday, the media has focused on the election of Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. to the Baseball Hall of Fame (BHOF) near the Tank's hometown in Cooperstown, New York. No argument here. By all accounts, they are good guys who stayed true to their teams. In the era of free agency, they are a dying breed. Congratulations Tony and Cal!

Mark McGwire, the other best known first-time player up for nomination to the BHOF, was thankfully not elected to the BHOF and only received 23 percent of the votes. Where do I begin about the case about McGwire? There was his infamous March 17, 2005, Congressional testimony where he didn't want to talk about the past only to be outdone by Sammy Sosa needing a translator and Rafael Palmeiro waving his finger in front of Congress ala President Clinton during the 1998 Monica Lewinsky Scandal. The Tank noticed that MLB tried to put it on Saint Patrick's Day while everyone was drunk (except the Tank) and/or watching March Madness (ok, I was). Ever since his Congressional testimony, McGwire has been less visible than Osama Bin Laden. Did McGwire murder thousands of innocent people? No, but he did cheat on baseball.

However, just in case McGwire got elected, Steve and The Tank have made the necessary preparations to protest his election and block his induction to the BHOF. The only question was where we would protest first, i.e. the BHOF, outside MLB offices, Congress, or the United Nations. Since the Tank is from the Cooperstown area, I already started mapping out the road blockades and double-checked some of the routes while coming back from Christmas services that past Sunday. Road blocks will be manned by the Tank's State Trooper and other law enforcement friends. The local airports will be patrolled by agents of SteveAndTheTank.com. Lake Otsego would be patrolled by the Tank's brother-in-law's Jim's fishing boat. Hey, it's a very scenic lake but not big enough for a Coast Guard vessel sailed by the Tank's college friend Bill. You don't even want to know what I have in mind for Pete Rose if he gets in while alive, God Forbid. Since Pete is serving a lifetime ban, I may consider letting him in after he passes from the Earth since I am a compassionate person and idolized him as a player even though he betrayed me and others by betting on baseball.

I could go on all day about McGwire and even longer about Pete Rose who I protested at the 2001 BHOF Induction Ceremony. However, I want to focus on a more worthy candidate, Goose Gossage. Goose was a lifesaver of a CLOSER for the Yankees of the late 1970s. Goose didn't always strike out Hall of Famer George Brett everytime but he got Brett out most of time, usually with lots on the line. (BTW, The Tank attended Brett's BHOF induction in 1999. It was a great class along with other Brett and Gossage contemporaries like Nolan Ryan, Robin Yount, and overdue inductee Orlando Cepada.)

Goose is discriminated against because he got the two or three INNING, not out, save. He sometimes had more wins than starting pitchers because he worked so hard and often. Therefore, he doesn't have as many saves as even Mariano Rivera, the greatest reliever of all time, nor Trevor Hoffman, the so-called greatest reliever of all time according to once great but now journalist rag "Sports Illustrated" which the Tank still boycotts including the Swimsuit Issue.

In my research, it's hard to find writers who publicly vote against Goose as opposed to Red Sox slugger Jim Rice who also belongs in the BHOF but who had a very acerbic relationship with the media. The Tank finds some solace and hope for Goose. In 2006, Rice had one more vote than Goose but Goose overtook him in 2007 to have 71 percent of the vote, just short of the necessary 75 percent for induction. Whoever has gotten 70 plus percent one year normally gets in the next, touch wood. Barring a tearful McGwire mea culpa on Orpah or ESPN and the writers drastically changing their minds (you have to keep in mind who else is on the ballot and garnering votes), Goose will hopefully get in 2008, God Willing. Whenever you argue on behalf of Goose, please keep his career statistics and against opposing batters in mind and please keep lighting the candles and praying for Goose's BHOF induction -- many thanks in advance.

Posted by The Tank in NY.

P.S. Since the Tank is a firm believer in freedom of speech, please check out "Medford Bob Says..." in the next post for an alternative view -- many thanks in advance.

MLB

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 11:57:16 PM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Florida-Ohio State BCS Championship Game Report and Photos

Steve and The Tank were blessed to have Columbus Craig's relatives to report live from the BCS Championship Game in Glendale, Arizona. They captured the party mood outside the stadium with these great photos of Gators fans tailgating and Buckeye fans entering the stadium, respectively.

The game gets off to a fast start as Ted Ginn Jr. returned the opening kickoff 93 yards and the Buckeyes take a 7-0 lead.

The Gators strike back with touchdowns from QB Chris Leak to Dallas Baker through the air and Harvin on the ground to take a 14-7 lead.

As Ginn is limping to the locker room to check an injury, Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith is sacked with 3:34 left in the first quarter. The Tank's football instincts tell him that this is a turning point.

Gators 14 - Buckeyes 7 at the end of the first quarter.

DeShawn Wynn scores on a two yard run to open the second quarter. The Gators lead 21-7.

The Buckeyes strike back with a key pass and an unwise Gator penalty to get the Buckeyes to the Gator 36.  Antonio Pittman scores on a 18 yard run a few plays led to cut the Gator lead to 21-14 with 13:32 left in the second quarter.

The Buckeyes must make a stop on this drive. The Buckeyes are going to have to change defense to more man-to-man from zone and get pressure on Leak. Florida has the ball much longer than the Buckeyes. Though the Gators get a couple of first downs from the short passing game, the Buckeyes step up, get press, and force the Gators to punt.

When the Buckeyes get the ball back after the ball bounced out of the end zone on the punt, Ginn is still on the sideline from his injury. The Buckeyes fail to capitalize on their momentum and go three and out. The Gators lead 21-14.

The Gators drive down the field and Chris Hetland splits the uprights on his first and 42 yard field goal attempt of the game. Coming into the game, Hetland was only 4 of 13 and one of the Tank's keys to the games. The Gators extend their lead to 24-14.

The Buckeyes are going for it on fourth down inside their own 30 and don't get the first down.

Hetland converts his second and 40 yard field goal of the game to extend the Gator lead to 27-14. He has half as many field in the first half as he did all season. You've got to be kidding me!

After the kickoff, Moss strips the ball from the scrambling Smith and Harvey recovers the fumble and the Gators are first and goal from the Buckeye five yard line.

On third and goal from the two, Tim Tebow converts a short left handed pass to Jenkins to take a 34-14 lead.

An unwise Gator penalty gives the Buckeyes a chance from the Gator 45. However, Smith's "Hail Mary" pass is deflected out of bounds. At the half, the Gators lead the Buckeyes 34-14.

Will the Buckeyes be able to mount a second half comeback? The Gator get the second half kickoff. Will Buckeye native Urban Meyer get the national championship his so lobbied and lusted for? Will Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel climb the ladder to coaching immortality?

Kudos to the rival Buckeye and Gator fans in the Tostitos for building a Habitat for Humanity home in a week's time for Fred Banks and his daughter Natalia.

As psyched as the Tank is for the start of "24" (the best show on TV) to start this Sunday, he is saddened that age discrimination prevents him from competing for the "American Idol" crown he so richly deserves.

After the second half kickoff goes out of the end zone, the Gators fumble the opening snap and Leak throws it away. A penalty to force 2nd and 15 and a key third down stop by Freeman forces the Gators to punt. Wilbur doesn't replicate his first 59 yard punt and only hits a 20 yard rugby style punt. Remember, this is college football, not time for cuteness or a beauty contest.

Can Ohio State put a drive together? No, the helmet less Earl Everett sacks Smith to end the Buckeye drive.

The Buckeyes get a key stop and a penalty on the punt return gives the Buckeyes the ball near mid field. The Buckeyes can't convert and the Gators get the ball back.

The Gators don't score but run most of the time off the clock in the third quarter.

Smith is sacked for the fourth time tonight and the Buckeyes have to punt again.

Tebow scores on fourth and goal to take a 41-14 lead. I just lost some respect for Florida Coach Urban Meyer. A field goal would have given them a 37-14 lead with 10:20 left in the game. Three touchdowns is plenty at this point of the game.

Though Urban Meyer is from Ohio, he was never a candidate for the Buckeye head coaching job. Does he want to coach there next? (He has jumped from Bowling Green State University to Utah to Florida in less than four years.)

Leak takes a knee to end the game. The Gators win the BCS Championship 41-14. Congratulations to the Gators and their fans. They are now the defending basketball, football, and "Dancing With the Stars" (Emmitt Smith) champions. :-)

Conclusion: The Gators offensive line dominated the Buckeyes. Gator Coach Urban Meyer came up with a great game plan to utilize the short passing game underneath the Buckeye zone defense. Ginn's early injury exit didn't help the Buckeyes either. The Gators also put lots of pressure on Smith. I guess the Heisman Trophy jinx continues.

Football condolences to Columbus Craig, his family, and Buckeyes fans everywhere.

In the meantime, the Boise State Broncos are undefeated but won't have a chance to play for a national championship. The Broncos beat the Oklahoma Sooners 43-42 in a great overtime game on the same field less than a week earlier. If Broncos to play the Gators, the Gators would probably win nine out of 10 times. But, doesn't it make you wonder what if there was a playoff system?

Division I-A college football is a great game but desperately needs a playoff.  Until then, the Tank won't have closure. May the off season go quickly and the "Powers that Be" institute a real playoff system.

Posted by the Tank in NY and mega thanks to Columbus Craig's Family for the photos.

College Football

Tuesday, January 09, 2007 1:29:26 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Monday, January 08, 2007

European Blog posts the Tanks' Knicks-Nuggets Fight Article

Sportingo, a European sports blog, published The Tank's Knicks-Nuggets fight article. Sportingo realizes the value of eye witness reporting and published my article here.

In the pursuit of truth, justice, freedom, and the American way, the Tank posted his Knicks-Nuggets video on AOL UnCut Video after YouTube unconstitutionally pulled our eyewitness, non-network video.

For the first week after the Knicks-Nuggets fight, our video was #1 on YouTube with 161,000 plus views. It was then pulled just before New Year's and bumped from #1 with 223,000 plus and counting views of David Letterman's "Knicks Basketball: We're Coming For Your Next". The Tank doesn't pretend to be as funny as Mr. Letterman who he grew up idolizing but wants YouTube to consistently apply intellectual property law for my and other's videos. It sadly failed the constitutional and fairness consistency test.

Furthermore, since YouTube recently sold out to Google, they have forgotten that videos from fans like myself has made them what they are. It's a shame that they are getting away from what made them great.

Posted by Steve for The Traveling Tank to Upstate NY.

NBA

Monday, January 08, 2007 8:17:50 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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Sunday, January 07, 2007

BCS Championship Preview

The 12-0 Ohio State Buckeyes meet the 12-1 Florida Gators in Monday night's BCS Championship.

The Buckeyes have the advantage on both sides of the ball and special teams. Florida's Chris Hetland has only made 4 of 13 field goal attempts this season and will have to step it up if the Gators have any hopes of winning the game.

Gator Defensive Back Jones is great and probably going to the NFL after his Junior season according to his Mom but he can't cover Buckeye All-Ten receivers Ginn and Gonzalez at the same time.

Though Gators Coach Urban Meyer is a great young coach, the edge goes to Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel because he has more experience. If the Buckeyes win Monday night, Tressel's reputation will continue to climb toward that of his idol, the legendary Woody Hayes.

I do give the Gators the edge in that they are less rusty than the Buckeyes who haven't played since the "Immortality Bowl" on Saturday, November 18, 2006. They have also won the SEC which is the best top to bottom football conference in the country. The Gators haven't always won big or pretty but college football isn't a beauty contest, it's more important than life itself.

The Gators need to keep their turnovers to an absolute minimum or it will be a Buckeye Blowout.

Prediction: The game will be hard fought and close until the second half when the Buckeyes start to pull away. The Buckeyes win the BCS Championship Game 27-17.

Posted by Steve for the Travelling Tank going home to Upstate NY.

College Football

Sunday, January 07, 2007 10:51:56 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)

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