If it is the second Sunday of the month, then it must be time for the world's premier sports SATIRE, Amateur Female Jello Wrestling. Amateur Female Jello Wrestling is not your father's wrestling nor your mother's feminism. It has to be seen live to be believed.
Tonight's Jello Wrestling celebrates Saint Patrick's Day in a unique way featuring Captain Zorikh as Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam is a throw way back to anti-Irish 19th century Nativist "Know Nothing" discrimination. Captain Zorikh manages Border Patrol (AKA Jolie Voltaire) inspired by the 21st Century Minutemen. Captain Zorikh and Border Patrol intend to keep the "Irish out of America."
Before the wrestlers get in the ring,
GSX hits the stage. GSX is lead by none other than Swiss born Sarah Greenwood. Sarah is part
Joan Jett and part Melissa auf der Maur. They played a short but solid set that ended with "Bringin' Me Down".
DJ Scientific is mixing in place of the travelling Moldover. Scientific does a good job of "[t]urning science into art."
Annie Rock's magical musical booking touch continues. Many people accuse the Tank of living in the (1980s) musical past but Amateur Female Jello Wrestling keeps the Tank at young heart and on the cutting edge as any bohemian hipster.
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Before the ladies grace us with their presence in the ring, it is time for the fellas to compete in the hoola hoop contest in the best traditions of gender equity.
Due to the new podcast recording gear that the Tank is breaking in tonight and wearing like a hip-hop medallion around his neck, the Tank is not competing in the hoola hoop competition this month. The following competitors did
Church
Nelson (Borat impersonator)
Dave
Jacquin
Randy
Troy
Mike
Bobby
Jeff
There was a spin-off between Jeff, Randy, and Nelson. Jeff defied the rules and threw his hoola-hoop into the crowd. When a spectator threw it back to the stage for Randy and Nelson to compete, the Tank was hit in the mouth by the hoola-hoop flew back to the stage. The Tank was thankfully unharmed and continued on blogging, podcasting, and photographing.
Nelson won the contest.
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Your fearless emcees Allen and Veronica Vicious explains the basics of Amateur Female Jello Wrestling. Veronica Vicious explains the rules of the 21st century feminist fight club. Allen warns against unauthorized photography as it "steals your soul."
The Tank did not write as much this month because he was trying out new podcasting gear. Steve and the Tank are always on the cutting edge of blogging innovation and plan to bring it to you in the future. Don't expect Bruele's Transcipts, just the great raw energy of Amateur Female Jello Wrestling.
(1) "Cowpoke U in the Cooter" versus "Tata McClutsky": Cowpoke wins.
(2) Minxie versus the French Tickler: The French Tickler wins.
(3) Eliza DoMe versus Licorice Whip: I think Eliza DoMe won this match.
(4) Border Patrol with Uncle Sam versus Katie McChaos: This match features the Nativist Border Patch trying to keep the proud Irishwoman Katie McChaos out. Uncle Sam wants to drive "all the Irish out". I think Border Patrol wins but the "Irish Brigade" forms with fellow Doom Maidens, Katie McChaos and Squeezit O'Shannon.
(5) Tater Tot versus Thunder Bunny:
Tater Tot overcomes her height disadvantage to beat the much taller Thunder Bunny.
Hey people, I can't make up these names.
(6) Slippery Stasia loses to Bush Buster:
Bush Buster takes off her mask as she enters the ring and takes it to Slippery Stasia.
In her victory speech, Bush Buster feels good about the war. She is pictured struting her stuff below. Will Bush Buster become America's secret weapon in the War On Terror?
(7) One Quarter Irish Potato of Power versus Leprachonelly:
Her Majesty (AKA the Italian Princess of Power) sheds her 100 percent Italian skin to be 1/4 Irish only for the day. Regardless of her favorite ethnic carbohydrate (Italian pasta or Irish potato), Her Majesty's loyal subjects accompany her to every corner of the globe.
The One Quarter Irish Potato of Power loses a hard fought match to Leprachonelly. "She peeled me," Her Majesty exclaims.
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Tonight's wrestling invasion angle is championed by the stage group "F*ckplays" which is a series of plays about well you know.
Tickets for Jello Wrestling and F*ckplays are available through SmartTickets. The cast of "F*ckplays" is pictured below:
"Will there be audience participation?" a young lady behind me asks. The Tank certainly hopes so.
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(8) The Titilater versus The Naughty Leprachaun:
The Naughty Leprauchan gets the win.
(9) The Jungle Girl versus Joycee Winks:
Joyce Winks win.
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Sunday, April 15, is the date of the next Amateur Female Jello Wrestling at Don Hill's. Even if you procrastinte in filing your taxes, remember that Monday is the Patriot's Day Holiday in Massachusetts so New Yorkers should have until Tuesday, April 17, at midnight to file. Please double check with your accountant (especially those who live in Jersey and others states are due on Monday, April 16) -- don't blame it on the Tank because he already filed his taxes.
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(10) Pink Lightning versus the Whoop Ass Waitress:
Whup Ass Waitress promises to serve "humble pie" to Pink Lightning. Pink Lightning gets the last laugh and a close pin.
(11) Wholly Crotch versus the Claw:
This is a different Claw from last month but she gets the win.
(12) Squeeze-it O'Shannon versus Minxie: Spanking on the line. Does anyone really lose in these matches? The Tank and our readers are winners regardless of who gets the pin.
Minxie gets the win.
(13) The Bush Buster loses to Cowpoke U in the Cooter:
(14) Eliza Do Me loses to the Titilater:
(15) Spankie Pants versus Pink Lightning:
Employing the Jedi Mind Trick, Spankie Pants wins with the Jedi Mind Trick.
(16) Licorice Whip loses to Wholly Croch.
(17) The Naughty Leprachaun versus Thunder Bunny:
Thunder Bunny using her height advantage to pin the Naughty Leprauchan.
(18) Tata McClutzky beats Spankie Pants.
(19) Katie McChaos versus Leprachonelly:
Squeezit O'Shannon cautions both wrestlers to wrestle as an exhibition only as the Irish Brigade needs to conserve its strength to beat the Border Patrol.
Leprachonelly gets the pin and says it was "slippery Irish Fun indeed".
(20) Whoop Ass Waitress loses to Slippery Stasia.
(21) Squeezit O'Shannon versus Border Patrol: The best one on one match of the night.
Squeezit O'Shannon tries to defend the honor of the Fighting Irish and take Border Patrol down. Uncle Sam clenches his teeth in anticipation of deporting an Irishwoman. Veronica Vicious announces the action.
Both ladies wrestle back and worth and Squeezit O'Shannon gets the pin.
In post match commentary, Uncle Sam claims Squeezit O'Shannon won illegally as she did when she entered the country. The Irish Brigade has heard enough and takes it out on Border Patrol.
This is an unsanctioned match. All Doom Maidens are in the ring and Uncle Sam is pulled into the ring. Some guys have all the luck.
Uncle Sam tries to escape. Escape? The Tank would never leave the ring with four beautiful athletic women. Not on your life.
(22) Tater Tot versus Bush Buster:
Tater Tot wins.
In her post-match interview, Bush Buster still believes in Corporate America and family values.
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There is a promo for Co-ed Disco Crisco Twister is Fem Win with the Doom Maidens (Border Patrol and the Irish Brigade) and Captain Zorikh (Uncle Sam) are pictured below.
As DJ Scientific plays Depeche Mode's "Strangelove", there are also drawings for the F*ckplays prizes including used vaseline (raffle ticket # 120), condoms and chocolates (raffle ticket # 30), free ticket (raffle ticket # 137), four hours of house cleaning (raffle ticket # 37), coffee, condoms, and free tickets (raffle ticket # 36), and Jack Daniels (raffle ticket # 129).
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(22) Jungle Girl versus One Quarter Irish Potato of Power:
Her Majesty returns to her wrestling glory and beats Jungle Girl.
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As we go to break before the championship matches, Kelly Buchanan takes the stage as the next musical guest. Singer songwriters are a dying breed and Kelly does her best to keep it alive.
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Championship Round: What started as a two woman match, ended up in a first ever (at least for the Tank), an eight woman match.
It happened so fast as the Naughty Leprachaun had a wardrobe malfunction. NO, make that a huge pile-up on the FDR as the Naughty Leprachaun lost her top. What should the Tank do? Join the action? Take pictures? Throw the Naughty Leprachaun a towel? All the blood in my body goes to the middle part of my body and I can't even blog. Being a gentleman, the Tank throws the Naughty Leprachaun a towel but takes mental pictures which will last a lifetime.
Since Veronica Vicious abandons her ringside announcing position to join the action, Allen, Erin the Towelgirl, and the Tank try to comment on this match. The Tank is left speechless and shouts "Chaos" into the Don Hills microphone and the new SteveAndTheTank.com podcast microphone.
Thunder Bunny, the Irish Brigade, and Erin the Towelgirl join the action pictured below.
Bottom Line: There is no pin but the Mother and Founder of Jello Wrestling, Dana Sterling, declares everyone a winner. Who can argue with that? Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
Posted by the Tank in NY.